TEDxStockholm - Bob Hansson - Love is a big word but a tiny step

TEDxStockholm - Staffan Ehde - Love and creativity

A life of trying

I've been thinking about it for sometime, whether i'm lazy and disorganized for a reason. Well, having analysed cultures and their idiosyncracies, traditions and rituals that perpetuate itself and stand the test of time mainly because it is not surpassed or its main objective is not accomplished by more efficient means and new methods.

I was beginning to wonder if my laziness was a physical manifestation to reinforce my chill/slack personality and "grunge".

If it is, what a bad attitude to have. I realised that if it was a habit, i would not have stuck to this self-deprecating cycle. But for me to even think this way, is also dangerous, it may hint at my acceptance, but also from a larger perspective, that if i want to change, i have to remould myself entirely.

The work-ethic that i lack, and i'm trading that to appear not-try-hard? If this is the case, its worst, because its a state of denial. Working just enough to appear talented but not enough to totally succeed, but denial in the sense that i'm still working.

Luckily, SMU apart from having piled on me an neverending channel of work, it has also allowed me to open my eyes to more successful personalities out there, compare, adopt and also less time to multitask, but to focus only on a few areas, and really force to decide between what activity derives maximum utility.

gotta step out of it and OWN SOME GAIMZ!

gotta step out of my ego, step out of my skewed unconscious internal reality, acknowledge the rewards of hardwork, and OWN SOME GAIMZ!

Heymoonshaker - London - Part Three

Discomfort

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Thats my brain up there. Don't know what the hell is happening man

I'm so tired... i gave my life away...i lost sight of myself recently. The honesty that i've took so long to built... Now i've been lying to myself.

Self-pity, not something that i've had the time to indulge into for sometime. And even listening to music.. my soul came back for the first time today...all this while i've blocked it out, in hopes that i last longer, that i bear with it...

I'm really really pathetic right now. Maybe everyone feels this way.....but......

no.... all you ppl reading this and judging me right now, you're right..my life is fine, i'm not special, and my circumstances aren't unique.. Just focus and start being objective with myself.

The hours in a week

Hours in a week = 24 hours*7 days = 168 hours

Hours spent sleeping = 7.5 hours*7 days = 52.5 hours

Hours spent injesting = 3 hours * 7 days = 21 hours

Hours spent travelling = 2.5 hours * 7 days = 17.5 hours

Hours spent preparing to leave the hours and winding down upon reaching home = (1+1) * 7 days = 14 hours

Hours spent in the toilet = 0.5 hours * 7 = 3.5 hours

Hours remaining = 168-52.5-21-17.5-14-3.5 = 59.5 hours that i have control of!

Hours dancing = 2 trainings + sat noon training + 1 social = (3+3+3) + 2 = 11 hours

Body maintenance = 1 hour sessions * 4 days = 4 hours

Hours on the guitar or blogging = 0.5 * 7 days = 3.5 hours

Hours packing my room per week = 2 hours

Hours studying/schoolwork and break in between = (3+0.5+3)*7 = 45.5 hours

Total time required for activities = 11+4+3.5+2+45.5 = 66 hours

Hours left = 59.5 - 66 = -6.5 hours

No wonder i'm always short of time!!!!

End of time-management part I. To be continued...

10,000 hour rule. That’s 20 hours a week for 10 years.

TTTT

i say slack no more! Together to the top!!!! Anyone with me? Feel free to contact me, we'll make the best of our time here on earth. :)

Aïcha

crazy footballer at the back.. Omg..LOL

The Beatles Live At The Star Club 10/29 - Besame Mucho

Writer's block, Recession

Starting off in a blog entry, ala stream of consciousness is never difficult to anybody... And it comes easier as you elevate yourself onto a pedestal and believe that whatever comes out from the top of your head will be gold.

I have neglected an aspect of my life that i've worked really hard for 2 years in the past to built, an inner core that exemplifies sincerity, enthusiasm, passion and flirtatiousness... Strange that as these neural pathways aren't activated as often these days, its difficult to get them fired up again.

To be your 'ideal' self, you got to live it every moment, you got to challenge and scrutinise every puny insecurity, and it starts with those that you care least about or the things that especially don't "matter".

These days, i associate myself with this boring, lifeless sympathy that doesn't have that energy beaming from the inside. And the excuses i tell myself are obvious, that i do not need a social life, for i have a girlfriend and academic success to pursue.

This is sad, its been one too many times when i just took the easy way out, hoisting me back once again into mediocrity.

Baila y Gana!: Coreo Danza Kuduro (de Frente) /TKM Argentina

Best Protoss in The World

Best gamer, best in everything in life, good in pick up too i think, according to the words and thoughts that he uses in some of first few vids that i saw a few years back.. hmmm :)

I lost my phone today

I lost my phone today, and learnt a huge lesson. I spent an hour looking for it high and low...well i bet it was more than an hour. Only that, i didn't stop to rest.... I kept going, searching...looking back to what happened earlier...i was focused and didn't stop to think more than 10 seconds about whether to give up..

But the whole time i was looking, i realised that the entire act was not an act of logic or reason. Rather, a hugely emotional one. I debated constantly, and weighing the realities of having lost the phone and whether it would make the slightest dent in my life, whether i could live without my contacts and numbers and shit.. The truth is, i can....i've lost a phone before too. But that didn't stop me from continue to search for the next half an hour. I told myself to just give up, but i couldn't, for something that i took for granted only because i've grown so attached and comfortable with having it around.

And when i finally did found it, when melissa dialed my number and it happened that someone kept it somewhere safe....my spirit was lifted. The weight in my heart was lifted...

But not so much, for the ones you love and the ones you trust. I've got no bitter feelings right now... Well, every experience is worth going through as much as it is feared. And i hope that tomorrow i will have the strength like i've always been in the past to surf right by.

The ego takes the greatest hit, only because the ego is weak. Sadly, nothing when dead is beautiful. Be open, and i hope my intellectual, physical, emotional and mental sides would come together as one to take that blow.

Good night.

The world should just fuck off now.

You can change yourself, but you can never change the world.

FUCK

To some, being in control means strength.

I just realised this morning, this swarm of energy flowing through me once again. And for me, thats not true.. For me, it is about being out of control. Its weird, this thing about "control". Its not the word that emphasises what most peple refer it as, being calm and clear-headed, logical and analysing everything. (like i'm analysing right now..an irony to what i'm about to say.)

A man needs to live like he needs to fuck everything. How else does he live life with passion. To imbed himself in a whirlwind of chaos. He doesn't find strength in receiving, he finds strength in chasing. A life where he never stops chasing.

Its strange for me to have not recognise this before, punk music and anything that explodes with a bountiful of expression is about this mad, rule-bending, energy that comes out from him or her and never taking in energy, like a genius is mad. Are they ever in control? In control of their pursuit, but never in control of why they pursue. Never in control of their passion. Yet in society, we are expected to behave like we're suppose to be in control. Be civilized and obedient, does it mean, the rules and norms are there to prevent the herd from from ever realising each and everyone of its strive? I guess so, due to scarcity, society can't afford to endow success upon everyone. And why we have "average" people around.......

The virtues of patience and being humble, the therapeutic qualities of going the extra mile to be selfless are merely placing a lid over the boiling kettle. That moment of madness and passion contained but building up under pressure, till it all spills out of control. Perhaps like building up an orgasm. Most can't control when it spills, would be great to be able to control when, but the real solution is to have a big load and masturbate all the time and have all sorts of orgasms, multiple orgasm. (now i'm rambling....)

I'm off to explore states of consciousness, stream of consciousness, or FLOW

This week I'm humbled.

BRB.... Soon.
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Compliance

Compliance is a fucking strange business... Compliance across cultural boundaries.... i don't know what you detractors know or think you know... Many ppl put themselves in cages, not knowing the true possibilities of humanity... Been watching these guys for three seasons... you see and understand things clearly.. While Cialdini writes a book.

As i grow increasingly tired..

I think i've been in a bit of a slight denial, despite my avid acknowledgement that i've been degenerating perhaps for the past 2 months at least... Strange to be experiencing a trough in my life right now despite having gotten most of what i want.. a decrease in my confidence and thus overall life satisfaction and vice versa...

Its been reeking in my mind for the past few weeks and i thought to get it out at least at this unsuitable hour when i've got to wake up early tomorrow morning for a trip to johor bahru.

I haven't rambled like this for a while, so spare me the judgement and criticism (not for my sake, but for you guys out there comfortably tucked away in shallow cages to get a glimpse of falling short of being able to rely on your confidence AKA briefly-validated-for-the-time-being-ego)

I need to get out there and pull off some crazy stunts to feel my sense of existence again......................ahhhh... there is only so much words to describe this current state of being... *signing out*

A moment of emotional degradation inspired this post.

Fuck.... Sigh... Aiyo...

How can i be so stupid! I need to whine..... Committed a stupid blunder during BOSS bidding and now i'm suffering this after-crisis trauma!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK..

Just realised i have everything else in life that i'm not worrying about except to brood over this shit...

well, in the first place, its not even a big deal... things, come and go... people, come and go... "In the long run, we're all dead."......YET....

Life's too short to be obsessed with a few small eCredits!

Sorry dear, if you're reading this... i really need a shoulder to lean on, and a pat on the head... to tell me everything is gonna be fine...

And this happens because i was cooped up in my room today the whole day and too lazy to get myself together.

SLEEP!

Frankie's Palomilla Performance

ZAZ A MONTMARTE - Dimanche Musical

Youri in Paris

Montmartre Music Criminals

"Virtual Insanity" + "Save Tonight" by Felix Fables

Where do i even begin?!!!

At a time when i'm stuck in between being really too tired and lazy to want to do anything...but too awake to get to sleep.. Back from Italy feeling like i have lot of things that require my attention, lots of things on my mind, tossing and turning on the bed, maybe a hint of neediness, a hint of wanting attention from the world, yet finding it increasingly hard to express myself...even on here..

Sucks to be stuck, yet afraid to move on and indulging in this moment of limbo...

Who can i turn to? But i can only try to shut my mind.

The weather here in Singapore SUCKS... its so hot at night...i become damp and clammy, when i lock the fan's position onto me, its so windy on my face and body its too irritating. I can't turn on the aircon my nose will react and become runny....

I do not want to be mediocre, but no longer want to be famous. I'm at best, internally-referenced, yet at times, the slight insecurity makes me feel externally detached..

Needy not like i want to... yet if i hold back, i don't feel human.

Sacrifices are so hard, i want to be free and do what i want, live in the moment and move forward at a mesmerizing speed..

Yes! I've found my answer for now, but before soon, i'll come upon another invisible wall.. Struggling, facing my fears, debating my morals, pursuing my desires.

I think i need i want to be intellectually challenged, and mentally stimulated right now. Maybe read a novel to escape reality. A computer game fares poorly when it comes to stimulating the imagination.... Oooooo...feel so artsy fartsy right now.

Just mind your own business

a check on my own sanity.... this social validation, i guess some people need it... until they realise it gets nowhere...in my head, these things... the cost outweighs the benefits. Why go through so much to put yourself out there, just to be one of them...when you could the whole, independent unique you?

oh well doesn't matter... my muse is back!

High five for first kiss (original)

Elliott works on his game

Dealing with insecurity

When it all boils down to this, the blog can't save you.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, they truly care and all they want is for you to not go astray.

Connecting the dots

the above title refers to the phrase Steve Jobs mentioned in the popular Standford address video to a group of graduating students...

this summer, i was lucky enough to experience one of the most fulfilling experiences in cambodia...and with i, comes many new thrilling opportunities lying just beneath the horizon...

Dream big, that was the message that i got out of today's conversation with hock chuan about his aspirations to be successful in his business... and i thank him for bringing to spark some of the ideas that was harbouring under the surface...

excited bout my new job...and my euro trip, and the eventual return of who else, but none other than my one and only, penelope...

and then you realise, how all this all links up... the dancing, the singing, the adventures, the pick ups, the people, the experiences...

one big juicy pursuit..

Listening to Machina II and thinking about how my life has past

Thanks to serchung for recommending this "lost" album by the smashing pumpkins, never commercially released (meaning no profits) but one of the most significant albums in the history of the band. Yep, indeed, music labels are blind and all bout the money, never the art... the last album where the original members made together before they broke up in 2000... Corgan went ahead to instruct his fans to distribute it online in 2000...

One day, i'll track down the story that corgan is trying to tell the world through his albums... but for now, back to myself... I guess, ppl have been wondering if i've lost my personal voice recently. But no.... cognitive dissonance or not... everyday is another day at self-exploration.... and taking things as it comes.

A greater sense of awareness, and a brand new journey with someone i'm willing to explore love and life with... Well, i have to admit....life never gets easier...life only gets harder. But its hard, not in the sense that its painful and unbearable, but in that it is growing more interesting and challenging each day...

I'm sorry i'm short of words these days... there is nothing more i want to say, other than the words i want to say to her.

The next few months will be a real challenge...being apart for a month..living it out, possibly toughing it out in europe for the next month...and having to train for a dance competition in july that i do feel is one of the most important personal milestones in my life...

Am i afraid??? yes... but just as much as how we're afraid that our lives will end suddenly before the next day...we just don't think about these things but have faith in the fruits that we may reap from the investments we've made and go ahead pursuing...

haven't travelled the world, haven't moved out...(soon, i hope)... but life's still great for a 21 y/o.....

i'm so frickin tired because i just finished working out and just had my lunch..

and at times like these, and esp that its raining now...i just keep thinking of you.. and i wonder, theres nothing much to think about..its just you...

standing there,

sitting down,

lying down...

doing whatever, i don't even know...

like really random stuff perhaps....

lol...but just your image itself.. it's been lingering in my mind the whoooole day.

you're just so cute and sexy all the time...and its funny, cos i must have grossed all the readers out there the past 2 months or so, talking about it... i must be blessed to be able to feel this way, to be CRAZILY in love.... its hard to believe it myself..."love", that some ppl deem imaginary and delusional... this stupid energy, force, essence, Chi, chakra that hangs between us..

"all i want for christmas.. is you!"

p.s. this msg goes out to all bored ppl out there, old uncles aunties... hope that this inspires you to believe in human love and sincerity.

The Marshmallow Test

THIS IS HOW YOU TORTURE ME EVERYDAY!!!!! ARHGHGHH

Marshmallow test reproduced by Dr David Walsh @ wcco

Stanford Marshmallow Experiment

Why women are the best teachers......

Important lessons, i would pay a few thousand dollars to learn and i will still not get it right....unless a woman is there to put you through it.

This week, i saw my life flashed past my eyes..in an instant, i saw what were all the things that went wrong with my life, that i was doing wrong... it was painful, but like all lessons that had to be learnt, pain was necessary....

and at a point when i was immensely lost and confused... i would have easily made the wrong decision and fall into the abyss for many years and not be able to deal with it....i was lucky i came out alive... i was lucky she patiently stood by my side long enough for me to come to my senses..

Something she said struck me...."that guys want girls around to boost their ego"...conventional wisdom, yes.... but hearing it from someone else telling you that you had a problem, that was a lot different..

i was rushing too fast into things...i thought being fast was being efficient, i expected instant results....but, it was all just an effort to validate my personal ego.. chasing empty sex... why was i so impatient in the past... why was i pushing things instead of just letting things develop..

even today, at lunch...for awhile, a small part of me was insecure....why was i worried? my ego was afraid of being crushed, and i went through the same pattern of chasing validation.. i made things awkward and she could sense it.... until i snapped myself out of it.

yet, as corny as it seem, i finally understood that.... Love is not something to be rushed.... something that she had been trying so hard to tell me, but i ignored and led the both of us straight into disaster......

Love is not something to be rushed, to be impatient about...

Love is not about holding on to something, and throwing away everything else thats important..

Love is not blind... For me, it has only made things clearer

Not yet, but one day... against my wildest beliefs... i'll become that white knight in shining armor.

As long as we're willing to put in the effort to let it grow...it will blossom.

Bullet proof..i wish i was ((Radiohead)) --Nobody

welcome to the real world

BE PATIENT! PROVE HER WRONG!

--------------------------------------------

WARNING

This post is in no way being sarcastic.

Yet, it is the entirely opposite. Filled only with sincerity.

~~~

OMG!! i just came to realised, my worst fears came true.....after having thought through about it, i hate to admit this......... unfortunately, she is right. my mind is filled with sex. One day, i'll look back at this and i won't be able to face myself.

Thats it. I'm doing what no other guy has dared to do. I know i'm going to regret this someday, but life has got bigger things for you, right now you gotta cleanse yourself of this junk.

I've deleted my entire porn collection, pictures, and much dirtier things than that within the inner depths of my life even you don't know about.

And no this has got nothing to do with love or to do with you. Its my choice, to set myself free of this misery. Free from sex.

A new journey awaits, for a 21 year old at the peak of his sexual prime.....extremely and sexcitingly sexless. I no longer want my mind and body to be held back by the need that is caused by sex. Sex keeps you wanting, Sex makes you afraid, Sex drives all your actions, Sex holds you back. Heres a big FUCK YOU to Sigmund Freud.

This will be my new awakening, my new-found freedom. EMBRACE

Tomorrow will be a brand new day.

TONIGHT, I"M THE HAPPIEST GUY ALIVE... TOMORROW YOU"LL BE THE HAPPIEST GIRL ALIVE

ALL Saints - Pure Shores

must have watched this movie more than 5 times.. never failed in reinforcing my belief that paradise exists out there...somewhere... i still believe in it

Placebo- Breath Underwater

Stand up

whatever has happened, has happened....I've got to see past the past.... and prepare for the future

despite the times i keep telling myself i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm fine... there are just as many times when my mind kept messing with me....screwing myself up.... "this can't be happening..."....i would tell myself..

but my world, my reality has a war going on between angels and demons...between faith and doubt..

and i'll just quote someone from the next few lines...

Yes, the universe is not cruel. the universe is smart. It knows we won't appreciate the things that fall into our laps... usually it falls nearby and makes us work for it... like bodybuilders call it the pain period... those that are willing to face pain, exhaustion, humiliation, rejection or worse...

i'm at the brink of being out-of-control......the same fear that pokes me for a mere 10 seconds in the past...that same fear has constricted me and will continue in an endless strangle-hold for the next few weeks BECAUSE I"M NOT GIVING UP...this isn't gonna stop me......i'm only human, i would give up and run...but because i believe in love, and i can't give up now...i will hold on till that very last breath.. the heart has no master, and thats the beauty of it.

Pen, you inspire me.. to live up to it. I'm coming back for you.

*exhale*

*inhale*

Breathe

---

p.s. i don't mean "I'm coming back for you" in the male chauvinistic pig way...just figuratively speaking... its more like the other way round..

I'll do everything

Everyone's childhood plays itself out. No wonder no one knows the other or can completely understand. By this I don't know if I'm just giving up with this conclusion or resigning myself - or maybe for the first time connecting with reality. How do we know the pain or another's earlier years, let alone all that he drags with him since along the way at best a lot of leeway is needed for the other - yet how much is unhealthy for one to bear. I think to love bravely is the best and accept - as much as one can bear. - Marilyn Monroe

i was the messed up one...but i'm trying

i'm prepared... i'll take everything you throw at me..

i'll give you your space, i'll give you your time.... i'll be invisible... you need to study and thats the most important.

you burnt my favourite t shirt AND my favourite coat...and now you're burning my heart..

but i'll brave the fire of rejection.

i'll be patient...

-------------------

hahahaha...theres this baby lizard in my room thats been running around for the past two days!

its ok, i'm not that mean... i won't kill you :)

you can sleep with me tonight, cos i'm lonely too D:

What do you mean my mind is fucked up???????????????? o_O

cos i think of you all the time... :(

There is nothing else i really want to talk about...

hahaha...okk...maybe i'll talk about something... finished most part of my project report, then gave up, cleaned up my room hung that stupid ikea thingy against my window finally.

was planning on breaking the 10 min mark of my extremely slow 2.4 timing, but i guess i'm going to my friend's place now to chill and play some guitar... oh he just called...yeah guess i'm going to break this 10 min mark today over at his place..

this is the worst blog post ever, but also the most eventful. :D

Godspeed to me..

Sometimes the hardest thing & right thing are the same

and that is to love with the whole of your heart.

BE BRAVE

S.E.X.

a bulk of unrequited feelings plagues me today...

you don't know how hard it is for me....to try and explain the world to a goldfish swimming in a fish bowl..

All i ever wanted was to give you the world...and you think i'm trying to rob it away from you...

you slam me for being a criminal after all i've done...and i'm really sad that despite all i've tried to do you think all thats on my mind is....yah..lol..."rough sex"....how ridiculous your wild imagination can get...

when i touch you, you think its because i'm horny. when i admire you, you think i'm horny. when we kiss, you think i'm horny. pretty soon, i don't really want to come near you... Its called, yep......you got it.... negative reinforcement

you just don't bother to listen...everything i say is turned to poison in your mind...

i've got so much to say to you, but my blog seems the better friend.

if i tell you how i feel...you'll say "even words need space.."

We're after the same thing and you just don't get it...the thing you want, love, if its what you like to call it... you're pushing away further.....i can't teach you how to love! you just have to give it all...whats the point of fear after all? fear is the reason why you'll regret never seeing the happy ending.. unless you take my hand and i'll bring you there.

Sarah White_Naked Therapist

U2 - Sweetest Thing

The Perfect Experience

As time passes.... I no longer love in fear. No insecurities to hold me back..

All i think about in my mind is how you look when you laugh... And i'm sure that when i look back in the years to come, i'll remember that our love was real for the moment.

Wake up to reality.

Theres a right time and place for everything...

sometimes words that weigh too much are a burden and should never be spoken of...... we don't want to be a burden to others, what we all want is to be free.

so, save myself a little emotional pain, respect and pride by being less needy and everything else will be perfect.

I don't wanna be the asthma that suffocates you but the CPR that breathes life into you.

Until now she has been really patient and tolerant of me... i don't ever wanna let her down again.

In relationships, its hard to expect people to change for you...and "they" would say never to expect too much from your partner... However, i've seen people change...and unfortunately too, i change like the wind... "the way to really strengthen as a person is to develop different aspects of your character, and it does feel strange, but the longer you do it...the more it becomes a part of you." :D

Well, by next week... we'll be in a whole different game. Stay tuned!

i don't blog much these days, don't tweet, don't tumblr... Many things in life are parsimonious. And lets just stop making things more complicated than it actually is... :D

In addition to "Free Love", something that i believe in...

heres another that would reinforce my faith in life...

Love UNCONDITIONALLY.

LOVE

Love bends the space-time continuum.

Love makes your lover look more beautiful than she actually is.

Perhaps its not that you are blinded by love but rather it was love that sheds light and maketh aware the presence of her beauty.

Love makes you lose control. Yet it is not about being in control that makes you free but the freedom from being judged.

And with love we finally appreciate the finer things amidst the bleakness in reality.

It is too demanding to expect trust and security from your lover. Honesty is more than everything one can ask for.

.

.

.

.

.

.

but, lust is an entirely different game.

Intellectualising, post-rationalisation time

Its not until recently that i discovered so many facets, so many reactivity in myself being in this new phase of my life.

All the things you learn about pick-up and psychology, all the state-management techniques or advice that you learn cannot stand against the flood of emotions when it comes pouring in...

Perhaps like before, its just uncharted territory for me and my emotions are the primary directions now until my conscious mind can set in. However, unlike before...i'm less desperate...indicated by the fact that i'm no longer seeking advice, self-help..solutions to deal with it but instead relishing the emotional ride.... I guess its like the stock market where prices go up and down all the time.. You don't have to sell but just sit on it....unless of course it PLUNGES....then again, you have no choice but to keep it there so it goes back up again after a long time.

and strangely enough, perhaps its knowing how to deal with this things, that calmness remains at the equilibrium position. Self-disassociatingly, i'm looking at myself and the drama unfold in third person.

Its like crying and feeling lonely at times, while at that moment...a voice in my head goes..."What?! is this for real?...hahahaha...i can't believe myself to behave like such a baby"

And its so interesting sometimes, NOT TO BE IN CONTROL...but to lose yourself to emotion.

After the commonplaces of everyday life, with their muffled dramas, all my organic expertise for dealing with physical injury had long been blunted or forgotten. The crash was the only real experience I had been through for years. - J.G. Ballard

Of course, its not that extreme of having the "luxury" of experiencing a car crash...but this story of love and passion now, makes me feel alive.

Seth Rogen

GET A GRIP!

Instead of whining, i've gotta deal with this right here, right now.

CUT THE OBSESSION.

i didn't come here for surrender, i came here for empowerment.

Just like anything else that i've ever done before, its probably going to be a huge emotional struggle but the rewards are going to be immense.

Stop having it easy, stop caving in to insecurities.

Love is not about needing somebody.

LOSER

Its a sunday morning.. and i'm left with no idea on how i should deal with this... my ego just came crashing down yesterday and from then, i'm bouncing back and forth especially irrational mood swings when i'm alone. Moments of self-pity that hasn't struck me since....hmmmmm

well, one thing is that these things always feel like its the worst that you've ever been through...

So i've learn that the only way i can get over this is to let the pain seep through fully..and the last thing i want is to be avoid and suppress all these feelings

SIAN AHHHHHHHH

its always situations like these that i cave in under that huge desperation to hold on to something which is MEANT to be elusive.

and it coming out from again and again and again despite ME always advising others never to react or be emotionally stirred under any circumstances during the pursuit...

ah bullshit.. i'll just go straight into the story. and in case if you're the one involved reading this which i highly doubt so...don't worry, cos no one actually reads.

I"M SO STUPID....MY GOD!!!!! i SUBMISSIVELY SURRENDERED MYSELF AND JUST DROPPED MY VALUE IN HER EYES ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HELLLLLLL

we all know it...ppl like to call it the abyss..thats when, the girl places the pressure and resistance on the guy whose in pursuit...and then he gives in.... its all over. "Next!" maybe for evolutionary reasons.....and even societal resons...101 reasons i could explain this with the sociological context....but..

Thats not my point today. The point is that i'm a loser, and i'm here to indulge in my pain and get over it. OK AND I GOT TO SHUT OUT THIS NEUROTIC WAY OF HANDLING MY EMOTIONS...WHICH IS TO FUCKING INTELLECTUALIZE IT! FUCK

(oh well, then again i'll go to the intellectualizing part towards the end...)

the story: girl was attracted to me, could tell from her body language...because of the way i exhibited myself socially. (now this is still pretty intellectual and self-disassociating, some ego-defense mechanism that has activated itself without me even wanting it too....FUCKKKKKKKKKK!)

i can't even be honest with myself if i wanted to...

long story short...... I CRIED LIKE A FUCKING BABY IN FRONT OF HER, AND PUT HER IN SUCH A DIFFICULT POSITION. and why?! cos i can't even tell her the truth about myself.....the things that i'm not proud of....and i cried because i couldn't own up...and at a moment when i had already lost her.... parts of me just want to fight the case a little longer, saving myself from being placed in the abyss....yet i wanted to exposed all the secrets so i could own up to it....BUT I COULDN'T.... yeah...she probably doesn't deserve someone like me who has fucking issues..

in the pua point of view....i had given in wayyyy too much investment..the more investment i gave in, the more compliance i allowed, carrying her laptop, buying her meals...instead of the other way round.....always under the impression that it was an easy target, that i could simply cast the rules out...a simple joust of dominance and submission that i was too willing to give up...under the fake illusion that i was under control...but i wasn't

i need to stop intellectualizing and stop rationalizing... accept that i have messed up, and that she will no longer want to see me in private because of the confrontations that i put her through... looking at the fear and discrimination in her eyes... and repeating those scenes again and again in my head....

I am so pathetic... And guess what....when i tried to apologize yesterday before the disaster happened......and when i phoned to meet her....i was constantly telling myself... DON"T BRING IT UP DON"T BRING IT UP....DON"T CONFRONT UNSOLICITED EMOTIONS....i was reactive. i kept dancing around the edge...and then i fell off into a series of interrogations.

the more important question i need to answer now is.... Disaster Control.

First, spare all attempts at trying to appease and win her approval.

Second, stop hanging out with her, remove the attention and meet new people. She can go hang out with that boring guy of hers all she wants... (yes, and i would like to think i was the one sowing the seeds, like pumping buying temperature and getting her into a sexualised state while he simply reaped the rewards... i escalated blindly like a fool simply for someone else to win...but for now, i must believe that he is everything she wants in a man...)

Third, and its probably unrelated...haha... train for ippt and start studying!

In general....remove her from my central locus. For better or for worst. It would allow me to reframe interactions for one... and when she indeed returns one day like my previous experiences, i really really really hope that i wouldn't have moved on enough, or reject her for ego validation but instead accept her and have her back.

In the past, i simply lose interest, and couldn't push myself to do it anymore and i always assumed that i had moved on...but then, it may have been self-defeating behavior, to reject her simply to protect my own ego.

I SHALL MAKE MY PROMISE HERE THEN... I'LL ACCEPT HER IF THE TABLE EVER TURNS SIMPLY BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE THAT LEAP OF FAITH....that i've never taken..

Keep trying..

Unfortunately, if the world could be as easy as speaking about how you really feel...but it isn't.

They're right. Once you choose to do this, its the excitement and at other times the helplessness, desperation while on a rollercoaster.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i've actually already found my answer.. but just to share it with

you guys, whoever is reading and that may benefit you in future.

There isn't actually any practical methodology onto solving your problems. The only limits which you should control and the only things that matter are your emotional state.

I feel like an actor these days... To be highly emotionally-attuned, and at the same time bounce in and out of highs and lows. I believe that for different people, we have different "cycles" that behaves in like a wave pattern...

emotions of people simply fluctuate up and down in the absence of external validation. Some have higher frequency then others, perhaps that explains mood-swings. And some have really low frequencies which mean that they probably suffer between long periods of depressions and contentment.

The thing is, attraction and love are fleeting emotions.

Like always, i'm going to stop now lol....its really abrupt. Just caught an interesting article that took my attention away.

2011

its been 3 weeks, and i realised i haven't wrote anything down since... These 3 weeks however, were one of the best times i've had so far...and i foresee things to go uphill from here :D

like 2010, the year started out with a blast.... i'm far from becoming that ideal person, far from that ideal lifestyle...but in 1 and a half years of proactively seeking change has maximised my fulfillment in leaps and bounds.

No amount of problems seem enough to faze me, no amount of misery seem enough to hamper me.

The year of 2011 will be about getting things done. Getting my good grades. Getting my driver's license. Getting some money. Getting those lays. Getting my dance together. Getting my band back? And probably getting a girlfriend. I've spent enough time contemplating self-discovery. The transformation of a pauper. Granting myself a decent amount of self-respect and not letting myself down or worst; remain mediocre.

Sesame Street: Real Grouches Don't Dance

wtf! LOL..... spasming oscar from sesame street...