Thirteen Senses - History - Portsmouth Wedgewood Rooms

*psychedelic music plays here*

How can i fit into this social realm? I'm 21 and i'm still struggling to find my identity.

People here speak codes! And with my recent comeback fascination with computers, they're like people speaking different languages with different linguistics/grammatical structures and i can barely understand my own mode of speak.

And having learnt the idea that there are ways to define our reality than just a universal....overlaid with different cultures, different norms, different idiosyncrasies, different dress codes, different accents, exposures, experiences, financial background................. There is no single behavior to assimilate into your personality that makes you appeal to the universe.

The question i'm posing is more philosophical than societal.

Lucky, in the 21st century, we have the information age. We have data, we have answers!

YET...

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I will scratch my head, i will die trying to find those answers.

Cindy Gallop: Make love, not porn (Adult content)

Pursuit of Happiness - Narcissism

I don't know where to begin... and though themes like these have been running through my mind everyday, hinted at in every post..... i'm taking time out of aimlessly seeking "empty" goals which i will continue in a while right after finishing this... feeling that it is absolutely necessary to type this post.

and from this point forth, it will branch off in different directions at the processing speed of my brain and not up to my self-willingness and self-censoring...

narcissism...from some, they point to Facebook that stem

s this current episode of obssession with the self...and wow, i'm not just pointing to camwhoring or updating your status and wall, broadcasting a msg about your current depression in bidding hope that someone out that spends a second glancing past it.... narcissism reeks everywhere, cos i'm guilty of it too...it reeks from this blog...like my rationalization to myself is that i'm doing this to get it out of my system, but really just an attempt for attention..

maybe FB is responsible, but really?? narcissism a source of positive energy?? to a point, it drives ppl to do more, be more ambitious, less satisfied....snapping pictures of their travels.... working harder than ever to build a body of adonis.....working so hard to score a high gpa...

Evan was telling me, the effort spend on achieving such feats AMONGST tough competition isn't that worth it....the amount of work you'll have to do to get from a B+ to an A- strongly surpasses the amount of work you have to do to just get a B+....

in hacker ethic, that is just repetitive...like doing 200 pushups a day for that body, for? a good body really begets confidence? oh really? more ego validation from ppl around you, yes...but not definitely more confidence... i'm not judging anybod

y...just trying to shake your mentality a little, help you reflect a little, maybe rationalize to myself a little... cos certainly, at the age of 21, i'm chasing these pursuits as well.... girls, salsa and maybe even working my body a little now and then....and being really insecure about my time management issues and my grades...

i'm not perfect.....chasing perfection, while some are seemingly able to handle multiple ccas, a business, a girlfriend, a inhuman gpas...under what kind of "bloodlust" enchantment are they under?

and then theres creativity....being natural and being effortless....Facebook, being a byproduct of mark zuckerberg's obsession with network systems and social life...a mere extent of their creativity... it wasn't money that was the impetus behind facebook but just a sideproject...

then again theres practice....according to gladwell, to churn out a guitar solo only hendrix is capable of in that moment of brilliance is a matter of long hours of harnessing ability and a string of seemingly unrelated circumstances....

and surprisingly enough...counter-culture, zen, existentialism, idealism...etc....writing and blogging (7-8 yrs? now?)i never took pride in doing this.....and now salsa and perhaps pick-up leading to a greater awareness and self-discovery....conversations too?..i was ashamed that i turned to writing, such huge word-counts that nobody reads...

only to realise.....something similar to graffiti artists, hackers, rock musicians, dancers, athletes, pornstars, actors...having to output all this heavy activity running in the forebrain...to paint a picture, to wander and uncover the depths and mysteries of computer signals, to materialise a melody, to express movement through the body, to uncover hidden potentials, the next wildest sexual performance, to embody the soul of their characters.....to cast these aside is to remain paralysed, a vegetable......acknowledging the heavy activity in the brain to a DoS attack... and like dogs, simply having the urge to chase cars and marking territory with pee...because it matters to them?...a meaning towards their existence..

• not an alchemical emblem

#5 SALSA THE MOVIE - FANIA ALL STARS (LIVE AT THE YANKEE STADIUM)

Cha cha cha SANTANA!

like every guitarist in the 70s opens his mouth while playing....from santana to jimi hendrix..

santana in the 21st century doesn't open his mouth..because he has funny teeth as you can see in this vid

Falling - Florence + the Machine

STYLE without SUBSTANCE

its time to head out tomorrow....and enough of stalling around wasting my time and mojo

having the feeling of an "accomplished motivated individual" has dissipated in me....

I'M SO LAZY!!!

from now on, its work work work work work...no more reveling in that emotional limbo that takes over too often.

whether to keep myself occupied or for validation...to flick all those switches is better than nothing.

I'm an atheist, but....

i think i've got not much choice but to say it here...hmm...and its not that anyone could understand...

i live my life today thinking that any outcome is entirely dependent on my personal choices...

but challenging societal limitations is one thing, putting your life in the hands of another when you have absolutely no choice is another....

moments before i realised how disappointing i was, how i did not DARE to even take a step forward... when everything else up to that point had turned out EXACTLY the way i had always hoped moments before i fall asleep or on the way to school......at least for the entire duration of the exam period, and maybe sometime before...

SERENDIPITY

i am possibly one of the minority that never expect for things to fall into place nicely...simply because most of the time it doesn't...and you risk disappointment and sleepless nights just hoping and waiting instead of acting on it...

but when it DOES happen..."is this for REAL??"....you doubt that it could ever happen to you...and here comes a cycle of self-defeating mentality to stop success from ever happening...

STILL, everything is within your control...psychological battles can be conquered...

Logistics?......sigh....not so much...logistics in the world of pick-up is the fog-of-war in battles... this must be the worst logistical outcome EVER..

she makes everything sound so easy...like nothing bad could possibly happen....but listening to the stories from my friend about everything that could go wrong...

this could only serve as a reminder to everyone in future, always take your chances and face failure than to give up..

all the best.... :(