Logically speaking

If you want a girl, go ahead and take it.

Especially when she is obviously interested.

I don't understand what exactly is up with the "moral dilemma"?? Why am i afraid to make a move when it is so obvious?

Treating someone with respect, does not encompass being fearful of what she might think of you.

Many times i am afraid to touch a girl because of this normative argument that we are disrespecting her. I doubt we are really that noble. I think what i am really afraid of, this deep psychological fear that she does not like me. And not really that it is wrong. There is nothing wrong! Just me justifying its wrongness to prevent myself from doing it, and preventing myself from risk of failure. This wrongness ends up being a blanket that covers all scenarios, even the opportunities.

Whenever faced with the situation, of whether to touch a girl, whether to escalate, whether to do it in front of everyone...... this fear of judgment is irrational. This fear/boundary exists without physiological arousal, thus one goes unaware throughout life that such a fear exist.

Just tell yourself, WAIT. what exactly is wrong if i "do this"? Oh.. theres nothing wrong. Do it.

Of course even if you manage to clear this mental obstacle, theres still the obstacle of "conversation".

To succeed with girls:
1) deal with fear. 2) practice conversation.

Lost

2 years of complacency can cause me to lose myself.

My inner voice is no longer clear, i am having empty conversations.

And i sought to find the well-rehearsed monologues that made me so popular amongst my friends.

Its funny how a couple of well-managed conversational threads and carefully engineered interactions with people can do your life.

I use to speak of faith and passion, now i speak of fear.

Rules of the Evolutionary Game

I am inclined to write a post about polyamory as the superior system as opposed to monogamous arrangements in developed societies.

While what is natural does not make it right. What is "right" is a system of norms. We deem actions unethical to reduce grief, jealousy and really painful emotions to humans in modern societies. But just because its painful does not make it wrong. Just because its painful does not mean we should totally build a system to avoid it completely. Nature isn't cruel, nature is fair. It is humans who are bitter about it. Marriage is fair to humans, if humans are equal, assuming humans are equal. We are disrupting a system of nature, because humans are not equal, and we benefit from having only superior genes propagate.

A system of less restraint, polyamory, while more painful, also ensures that evolutionary selective pressures remain strong and favoring superior genes.

To understand the curse that befall an individual that upholds the ethical principles/social norms of monogamy. Besides putting him in a constant denial and internal conflict, but mainly, reduces his desirability as a mate. He/she is essentially putting a barrier in front of him/her against interested mates thereby preventing his/her mating success merely to uphold a set of rules that prevent "emotional hurt" to others.

Is trying to prevent emotional "hurt" (if we can call it that, emotions are simply there to guide us, "hurt" is a signal, not a disastrous consequence.) upholding humanity? Is prevent emotional "hurt" to others, respecting our own emotions?

Marriage can be such a collective state of denial, a wuss way of handling your "hurt" by condemning our promiscuous wirings, when many tribal societies go around it by simply accepting it instead of coming up with a restrictive construct such as marriage. (Read more on the Masai people and their sexual practices, well or any other tribe. Perhaps even sexual practices in rural parts of Asia.)

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I think after we come to terms with our own internal ethics that have been so senselessly distorted by social norms, we can come to live fully with ourselves and remove that barrier that prevents us sexual access and live complete.

Decision Rules

for how long would i keep trading my soul to bondage?

because i have to live up to others expectations, i can never live out my own choices.

and people will always judge your choices as irresponsible and selfish to bent you to acquiesce to meet their own demands.

And i am sorry that while in the middle of that, i may have profited from the bargain by choosing to deal... maybe because humans can't seem to walk away from that one-time gratification, relief from stress and pain, fifteen minutes of fame, anything that is glittery... the deal was never an equal exchange, the lure is irresistible but you've paid for more than what its worth.

 "This is the story about us, being persuaded to spend money we don't have on things we don't need in order to create impressions which won't last on people we don't care about. - Tim Jackson

Do you need wealth, do you need sex? Some of it, but it does not rule your life.

Sometimes you gotta ask yourself the real reason behind the goals and dreams that you have and wonder if it for things that you are paying too huge a price for. It as simple as humans' choice for high-caloric foods and high-sugar, habits today that are maladaptive, habits that evolved at a time when such choices were scarce and we unconsciously magnify the value of these items that drive our impulses MORE than dirt.

this greed that may have served your genes well to transcend successive generations, may be the vulnerability that will make you easy prey to whoever understands to make use of you.

sometimes the face of evil is your greatest education and your greatest redemption.

Thats it.

Out out out... Thats it. I'm making a run for it.

No more being with people who just wants to bring you down.

The Tables Turn

Its strange... Suddenly the tables turn... And its strange, cos i'm not used to this..

Example - 'Kickstarts' (Official Video)

The fear deep down...

YOU FUCKING BITCH

i don't know what the hell kind of sadistic pleasure you get out of doing this to me. For me to give you my love and sincerity, and you had to trample it and act like you're having split personality or being kidnapped....fucking bitch.

It better be your fucking pms.

Fucking bitch.

Different worlds evolution have failed to merge.

I'm sorry. Its not for a guy to understand how a girl would feel when her world collapses and is in her pms.

You expect a guy to instinctively know how a girl is feeling when he can't read minds?!

But i guess that was a valuable lesson after all. HAHAHAHA

Even if you were born with a consulting mind or a consultant would not have known this.

Warren Buffett on Long Term Capital Management

Two Dysfunctional Minds In My Puny Head

My conscious mind, and the unconscious. The unconscious is a willing and submissive victim to her womanly wiles, and the conscious part of me, over-analytical, taking it all in from a distance. But really, the conscious me is simply scared shit, playing it cool just to justify its inaction.

Oh fuckkkkkkkkk.. (playing trance now just to lose my negative self-talk.)

Being motivated is not really that important, its staying committed and dealing with the pressure IN THE FACE.

Not knowing when to switch from high energy and low. For now, as much as i try to get some leverage, she is wholly taking the lead.

---------------------------------------------------STOP---------------------------------------------------

Yes, fear. Yes, i hate how this has been turning out so far. BUT its now or never. No stepping away, no being submissive, time to speak like any loss of pride is so insignificant that it indicates such vast reserves that can never be expensed.

And if you ever got to read this, i'm sorry i made it such an ego-driven exercise. Shit! If only i can express sincere and tender love to win you over. But my 23-year-old self is not really mature eh. That it cannot associate beauty with appreciation but possession.

No wait. I'll try my best to make it more about you and less about me. I don't want to possess you. I don't need to be needy. True beauty should never by held in iron chains. I just want to dance. ;)

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Above & Beyond feat. Richard Bedford "Sun & Moon" (OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO)

Reminisce

Taking my time to clean up my stuff in my room as usual. Found those large stack of pictures she printed of us.

I am so grateful of all the great times we had together, and i'll always remember her with respect.

:)

To articulate

I'm find myself hardly articulate these days. Mental reframes and mantras that i fervently rehearse in my head can hardly be recalled. Can't piece a sentence properly.

Even though we lie to ourselves most of the days, inside, our deepest monstrosities, our grave insecurities.

I need to constantly fight the good fight, make myself the better man, take care of the lonliness, master my crafts.

Java, Guitar, Salsa, Social confidence, Sexual confidence, Improvisation, Time Management, Exercise, Espanol, MONEY, Cleaning up, Sleeping early, Writing

Too many goals, too many fricking habits, too little organization, too little time.

Everyone else can screw it.

Somebody That I Used to Know - Walk off the Earth (Gotye - Cover)

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough

No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
Guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believin it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh

But you didn't have cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing (oh)
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
and that feels so rough

(oh)

No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect you records
And then change your number (oh)
Guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know
Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (somebody) (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know
I used to know
Somebody

L'AUBERGE ESPAGNOLE

Neediness once more

Are people always this needy? If i'm like that, and i'm not any different from all the people here in this world, then such a unattractive quality that we are all predisposed of.

Why do i feel this way? not all the time, but i believe roughly 1/10 of the time. Even if 1/10 of the time, why does it make us weak. Being hungry doesn't make us weak, fear of death doesn't make us weak... How is this favourable for survival.

No one likes someone who comes to them wanting something from them. But we want something from them.

"wanting to get to know somebody" is just a pretense to "i want to fuck you"...or "i need your emotional validation"

and why do we not give emotional validation freely? because we are afraid that someone would continue being weak and would want MORE, till the point that you're unable to give.

Well, I googled.

"Women are devastated by failing relationships, says Nando Pelusi, Ph.D., while men flail more over unattainable relationships."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200802/neanderthink-desperation-difference

Men get obsessed before they land a partner; women get obsessed after they find one.

Female vigilance is evident in a woman's tendency to test her partner at a relationship's start—acting coy or simply being wary of his intentions—and then get obsessive once committed.

Rationality is limited when dealing with the dictates of our passions, and sexual attachment—sanitized as love—is deeper than our dispassionate analysis.

A desire says, "I'd like to make this work because I really like and love this person—and I hope we click." A need says, "This relationship must work out, or else I'm a loser and I'll be single forever."

Men and women pursue and cling to inappropriate partners for far too long, because genes are not out for anyone's interests but their own.

The act of loving is what gives us fulfillment. Receiving love is nice—but it is not a necessity. Enjoy your pursuits, but refuse to believe that you can't be happy without that certain someone. We tend to be terrible judges of what will make us happy.—Nando Pelusi

Memo to Men
Be wary of your desire to pursue an idealized woman, maybe even an ex (idealized again, after an absence). Guys get needy for acquisition and pursuit. You're fantasizing about a perfect woman. That's OK. But if you want to get off that roller coaster of chronic disillusionment, remind yourself that your genetic legacy is to fool yourself before you're in, and then pull away once the woman is off the pedestal. Dante may have been intoxicated with Beatrice his whole life, but it was from afar. He never so much as kissed her. That makes for great poetry, but not great relating.

A Word to Women
Be cautious about your tendency to believe you need to make a relationship work at all costs; it's a taxing and corrosive path—and it rarely works. You may not consciously want children, but the emotional engine that has evolved among women is to be very cautious about sex—and then to get very emotionally involved once in the relationship. That means that you may have unwanted feelings of neediness only after a relationship has emerged. You can fight the idea that a particularly fraught relationship must work out.

This article above says it all, and WOW. Barnum effect at work maybe? Like horoscopes, maybe no one see any relevance in this article but me making sense of it.

Penelope, i understand the pain you went through this one and half years of hell. It far outweighs the pain of rejection i experienced in sheer volume during my courtship of you.

Every men and women have different motivations, different agendas. Our relationship was "nothing special" in the sense that it wasn't different from that of others. That it could be explained in an article, says alot... that we were blindly in pursuit, behaving accordingly to our "program".

Having just watched the first season of Game of Thrones has more effectively pointed out to me than any other content that apology, forgiveness and closure does not exist unless one takes his own life.

Happiness is a matter of discipline.

Its just strange that i only have happy songs playing in my head this week, and i've been feeling really really happy the past week so far. All thanks to sleeping early, exercising, eating healthy, getting back into dance and the really nice place that i'm working at. And of course, all the people around me that shared whether a long or brief moment with me recently has made my life a whole lot more colourful and breath-taking at the same time.

I would just like to reiterate some of the values that i adopted recently that managed my emotions to such a terrific extent, so that i'll always remember and cultivate them when the going gets tough the coming semester.

Be disciplined,  can't have too many goals, you only have 24 hours a day. Wake up and mean it. Don't wait/procrastinate. The more to-do things that you clear, the less worries occupying your thoughts. You are able to make better decisions, as well as living for the moment.

The formula goes: (star quality + effort) / 2 = level of success
where star quality = talent or looks or money or any external variable,
(with all values on a scale of 10)

Apply it to anything, dance, studies, even your social life and girls.
E.g (looks + effort) / 2 = quality of the girl that you are trying to attract


(5.5 + 8.5) / 2 = 7

meaning if you only have slightly above average looks, you can secure a girl that is a 7, with enough effort. With an above average wealth taken into the equation, you are sure to attract higher quality girls :D. You can see that the final score isn't exaggerated right?

Don't try to fill up that hole with mindless pursuit of sex, instant gratification, ego validation. Fall back to basics and strengthen your foundations, like your career and friendships. The first few years of any start-up requires the most work. This holds true for life and personal development as much as it is for business. In conversation, shower the attention on others and talk less about yourself, less about what you know... Listening is a greater display of value than seeking qualification from others.

Persistance, remove the excess gratification, save money.

Songs to play

Compiling a list to songs to play live one day... i have been making so many lists, but they are never ticked off. But i'm still going to do this and hope that i'll accomplish them one day.

The Cure - Friday, I'm in Love
The Killers -  This is Your Life
Eagles - Hotel California

The Cure - Friday I'm In Love

15 minutes for myself

Everyone wakes up from a dream or a nightmare eventually, and will have to figure things out for themselves all over again.

A bad experience is an experience nonetheless. I found out that the world is a cold place where friends can become enemies. Love never transcended the space between 2 lives. Merely a non-transcendent unvalidated social construct in a person's lonely mind while things are okay, and falls apart when not. Just 2 individuals that was living in their separate worlds feeding off one another until one day a overreaction peels off the gentle exterior to reveal the selfish gene that brought us together. My heart and mind had made the wrong bet. Animosity may have been preselected and there is no way i could have avoided it without losing my freedom.

I don't think i'll ever be forgiven. People get too caught up in their own hatred. And it has simply happened to every man that has broken up with a woman, he has no chance to explain himself and receives her life-long unjust contempt in return.

Strangely, i have managed to "want" to let it slide. And with some financial loss on the side. I wonder how my ancestral line survived without this huge insecurity (ok, i got a slight insecurity).

Maybe its all this self-distancing that is making me feel better. No wait, more like having imaginary readers to complain to so that i get my sense of redemption.