Humanity...

no words to express the emotions that went thru my mind when i was watching these....

my jaw just fell wide open the whole time....

i wasn't even expecting to lose myself while watching Thích Quảng Đức (burning monk)
but halfway thru, immediately after the flames enveloped him....my jawbone, and my cheeks just started spasming violently....i was gasping for air, i thought i was laughing...until tears flooded my eyes immensely.....

me and buddies were just discussing how much sheer "mindpower" it is to carry out such a feat.... he probably died in a state of inner-peace while meditating....

"As he burned he never moved a muscle, never uttered a sound, his outward composure in sharp contrast to the wailing people around him.[" - David Halberstam

Child crawling towards an United Nations food camp, a kilometer away....the vulture is just waiting for it to die, before it feeds on the soon-to-be corspe....the photographer who took the picture left her dying....in an interview, "he(photographer kevin carter) sat under a tree for a long time, "smoking cigarettes and crying".

"It was while covering the Vietnam War for the Associated Press that he took his best-known photograph – the picture of police chief General Nguyễn Ngọc Loan executing a Vietcong prisoner, Nguyễn Văn Lém, on a Saigon street, on February 1, 1968, during the opening stages of the Tet Offensive" - wikipedia

Past, Present and Future Failures unrevealed...

I thought i should be more discreet and leave the characters out of my topsy turvy bullshit...

Wow, i never imagined my life had some of the best content to make up some of the worst dramas...LOL

You'll would prolly never ever get to see it happen to anyone, cos its so atypical and unusual.....and you'll never ever get to see it on tv, cos its so unrealistic and uncanny....

Like of all the random and uncontrolled interactions/reactions that take place within the expanse of space & time and the ever-expanding volume of the universe, fate throws everything at you, i saw my life flashed before me....my past, present and future within a span of minutes, last night...

English Summer Rain

A few months ago, one of those days when me & a close confidante of mine, Evan did some catching up.... We haven't met for about 3 months, and I told him excitedly how much emotionally or mentally stronger I've becomed.

I was telling him about the state management tactics that i've been using to constantly relieve myself of negative emotions of sadness, neediness, jealousy, rejection or even rivalrous or amogging intentions.

Basically, the idea is quite similar to doing something you enjoy, while you're emotional, as much as possible..to trick your mind into believing that you're happy. (however this may not be a possible avenue for e.g, things like surfing, dancing, singing, watching tv while you're at work...)

It is proven that(or by how much you believe that it'll work), by standing up straight, walking with good posture, holding a big smile across your face, jumping up and down, forced laughter, while you're feeling emotionally down........ Using your physical body feedback and actions to trigger positive emotions in your brain.

I relied on it a lot. And for awhile i thought this was probably the most efficient, instant-fix way to deal with the problem. Evan disagrees. Despite that it works in the short-term, you're still not coming to terms with the source of your neediness in the long run. Sometimes absorbing and taking all that sadness in instead of "avoiding" it. It would then ultimately result in you being emotionally free.

It then came to me this morning after I was already over the worst part of the pain that being emotionally strong meant allowing all of the darkness to envelop you and not deny the fact that you're feeling sad.....but know that you're strong enough to be above all of it.

Sure, pumping state is still good for when you require that good boost and to overcome the "activation level" to break thru that threshold before you fully let yourself go...
However now, its more like using positive affirmations, that you have a lot to be happy for despite having a setback at that moment.

Only then will sadness and neediness taste bittersweet... :)

Chuck Bass Quotes

Sloooooooooooow, Smoooooooooooooth and Steaaaaaaaaa-dy

Heart-shaped box

I'm a heart-shaped box...pretty on the outside, empty on the inside..

its my inability to love, and the lack of courage to embrace this emotional complexity..

i don't know what just might happen after this weekend, but chances are, the upcoming experiences over the next few weeks will change my inherent outlook...

prepare to see a different me, or that i'll disappear...but know that i'm working hard and focused on the future and the unknown..

see chapter I here... http://ziqbarzak.blogspot.com/2009/06/mission-accomplished-xd.html

if i looked back at this one year, and thought about how much i grew/deteriorated as a person....in my perception, it still probably was slower than i would have imagined it to be....but in reality, its pretty satisfactory, and tremendous compared to most...

CHAPTER II: Diving Deep
I've taken many "risks" over the year in order to squeeze some lessons out of them...and the way i perceive these "risks" today....is that they arent risks at all....simply, the bark is worse than its bite....they're just scary....and thats all...with no actual loss/consequences after being rejected so many times...

while some would say this is a numbers game....i never really saw it in such a way...i've put a lot of emotional investment to each of them...and without effort, the numbers did grew as a result of the momentum acquired...

what i really want to work on in the next month or 2....would be to venture further, give more of myself...even if it means losing in some way....the lessons learnt and experiences gained, way outweighs the losses....and to deal with this higher order emotions involved in an advanced level game.

it definitely wont be easy....throwing myself into emotional distress and hoping to walk out of it alive... i've already took a beating this year, merely teasing compared to what i'm bracing myself for...i may even come out mad after this. oh well...

shall go to sleep now....DAY 1 starts.....................................-------> TOMORROW

Awesome Train Graffiti

Lol.....this isn't the vid of the MRT graffiti in Singapore..but HELL YEAH!...lol

this is against the law, but is it hurting anybody? does only the goverment have the right to dictate what goes where in public space? this space belongs to everybody...anyone can define and manipulate the objects and landscapes around us...

freedom of expression, adrenaline-junkie of sorts...
ummm...if you still don't get where i'm coming from...the genres along with their defining films...

Fight Club, Point Break, Yamakasi......Flashmobs, cacophony society,parkour, skateboarding, extreme sports, korean guy tectonik(search youtube), punk, graffiti....oh..even "Balls of Steel" show..etc

Joker: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and [sing-song tone] I turned it on itself! [Harvey stops struggling, The Joker looking down at him] Look at what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hm? You know–you know what I noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan"… even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I told the press that, like, a gang-banger will get shot, or a truck load of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all part of the plan. But when I say that one little old mayor will die… well, then everyone loses their minds! [lets go of Harvey's hands and pulls out a gun, the handle facing Harvey] Introduce a little anarchy. [puts the gun into Harvey's hand, cocking the gun] Upset the established order, then everything becomes…chaos. [guides the gun to his own forehead, smacking his lips] I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair.
[Harvey thinks for a minute, and shows Joker the unscarred side of his coin]

Macau Fervour

Just thought i'll give a brief update all the way from Macau....with the last remaining 20 mins of my access in this cybercafe.

Things didn't turned out as expected....everything was great, just that my health wasn't. Chugging down pills every few hours and having to visit the loo every so often...

The greatest disappointment of all was that i couldn't try out all of the wide variety of great dishes here....my really bad stomach and slight fever. Can't wait to get back and finally get a much needed rest and recover from all of this bullshit... have much waiting for me this coming week and it would be a tight slap on the face if i don't get to realise what was planned.

I enjoyed my time here...the vast differences in culture are all trashed into one small tiny city. The old, the new, eastern and western barely seperates itself as they are all intertwined at every turn of the head..

I barely took the taxi...as every attraction was within walking distances....in less than 3 days..i have the central, south-eastern, southern and western parts of the macau peninsula clearly mapped out in my head... I was covering all this distance while harbouring an ill diesease...
i would have checked out more places if i haven't spent a significant bulk of time on the bed such as the beaches...

The glitz and glamour of the casinos and grand hotels did felt magnificent initially...after taking a walk thru it for the 2nd time on the 2nd night, the appeal did start to wear off... Perhaps there was too much and too many of these damn glitzy casinos, i was in distraught....there was just this huge massive landspace with too much lights and supposedly-entertaining "entertainment" that opens 24/7....and everyone working and patronising these places seemed soulless like in a zombie town...half the time when i was approaching the metal detector frames...with guards standing outside...sign displaying that people under the age of 18 could not enter....lol... did i even look 20??? instead of stopping me to check for identification...the would usher and welcome me in...

This plague of the undead is apparent in most casino, resort, hotel places.... like in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Chicago, Lordaeron..etc...

If you've played GTA: Vice City, Vampire Masquerade: Bloodlines, Macau resembles it a lot lol......there are indeed police men patrolling the streets 24/7.... a lot of police men at every road junction....it so funny, cos its like all these computer games that i've played..where there are so many policemen around and you're suppose to commit crimes without being seen...which i thought was unrealistic as i've always only been in Singapore.

This trip has taught me loads like every other experience has...given me plenty of opportunities to soul-search and contemplate the sensitive side of me (pathetic that this seems like the only side of me...-_-").....an emptiness which seems impossible to fill, (despite all my efforts in validating it with external stimuli)...but only a rare few have the answers... This has allowed me to rethink, redirect and refocus my mental energies in future to something more satisfying ...

Will be flying back to Singapore later, flight's at 245 am....and out of this deep emotional lethargy... i miss you guys..