Listening to Machina II and thinking about how my life has past

Thanks to serchung for recommending this "lost" album by the smashing pumpkins, never commercially released (meaning no profits) but one of the most significant albums in the history of the band. Yep, indeed, music labels are blind and all bout the money, never the art... the last album where the original members made together before they broke up in 2000... Corgan went ahead to instruct his fans to distribute it online in 2000...

One day, i'll track down the story that corgan is trying to tell the world through his albums... but for now, back to myself... I guess, ppl have been wondering if i've lost my personal voice recently. But no.... cognitive dissonance or not... everyday is another day at self-exploration.... and taking things as it comes.

A greater sense of awareness, and a brand new journey with someone i'm willing to explore love and life with... Well, i have to admit....life never gets easier...life only gets harder. But its hard, not in the sense that its painful and unbearable, but in that it is growing more interesting and challenging each day...

I'm sorry i'm short of words these days... there is nothing more i want to say, other than the words i want to say to her.

The next few months will be a real challenge...being apart for a month..living it out, possibly toughing it out in europe for the next month...and having to train for a dance competition in july that i do feel is one of the most important personal milestones in my life...

Am i afraid??? yes... but just as much as how we're afraid that our lives will end suddenly before the next day...we just don't think about these things but have faith in the fruits that we may reap from the investments we've made and go ahead pursuing...

haven't travelled the world, haven't moved out...(soon, i hope)... but life's still great for a 21 y/o.....

i'm so frickin tired because i just finished working out and just had my lunch..

and at times like these, and esp that its raining now...i just keep thinking of you.. and i wonder, theres nothing much to think about..its just you...

standing there,

sitting down,

lying down...

doing whatever, i don't even know...

like really random stuff perhaps....

lol...but just your image itself.. it's been lingering in my mind the whoooole day.

you're just so cute and sexy all the time...and its funny, cos i must have grossed all the readers out there the past 2 months or so, talking about it... i must be blessed to be able to feel this way, to be CRAZILY in love.... its hard to believe it myself..."love", that some ppl deem imaginary and delusional... this stupid energy, force, essence, Chi, chakra that hangs between us..

"all i want for christmas.. is you!"

p.s. this msg goes out to all bored ppl out there, old uncles aunties... hope that this inspires you to believe in human love and sincerity.

The Marshmallow Test

THIS IS HOW YOU TORTURE ME EVERYDAY!!!!! ARHGHGHH

Marshmallow test reproduced by Dr David Walsh @ wcco

Stanford Marshmallow Experiment

Why women are the best teachers......

Important lessons, i would pay a few thousand dollars to learn and i will still not get it right....unless a woman is there to put you through it.

This week, i saw my life flashed past my eyes..in an instant, i saw what were all the things that went wrong with my life, that i was doing wrong... it was painful, but like all lessons that had to be learnt, pain was necessary....

and at a point when i was immensely lost and confused... i would have easily made the wrong decision and fall into the abyss for many years and not be able to deal with it....i was lucky i came out alive... i was lucky she patiently stood by my side long enough for me to come to my senses..

Something she said struck me...."that guys want girls around to boost their ego"...conventional wisdom, yes.... but hearing it from someone else telling you that you had a problem, that was a lot different..

i was rushing too fast into things...i thought being fast was being efficient, i expected instant results....but, it was all just an effort to validate my personal ego.. chasing empty sex... why was i so impatient in the past... why was i pushing things instead of just letting things develop..

even today, at lunch...for awhile, a small part of me was insecure....why was i worried? my ego was afraid of being crushed, and i went through the same pattern of chasing validation.. i made things awkward and she could sense it.... until i snapped myself out of it.

yet, as corny as it seem, i finally understood that.... Love is not something to be rushed.... something that she had been trying so hard to tell me, but i ignored and led the both of us straight into disaster......

Love is not something to be rushed, to be impatient about...

Love is not about holding on to something, and throwing away everything else thats important..

Love is not blind... For me, it has only made things clearer

Not yet, but one day... against my wildest beliefs... i'll become that white knight in shining armor.

As long as we're willing to put in the effort to let it grow...it will blossom.

Bullet proof..i wish i was ((Radiohead)) --Nobody

welcome to the real world

BE PATIENT! PROVE HER WRONG!

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WARNING

This post is in no way being sarcastic.

Yet, it is the entirely opposite. Filled only with sincerity.

~~~

OMG!! i just came to realised, my worst fears came true.....after having thought through about it, i hate to admit this......... unfortunately, she is right. my mind is filled with sex. One day, i'll look back at this and i won't be able to face myself.

Thats it. I'm doing what no other guy has dared to do. I know i'm going to regret this someday, but life has got bigger things for you, right now you gotta cleanse yourself of this junk.

I've deleted my entire porn collection, pictures, and much dirtier things than that within the inner depths of my life even you don't know about.

And no this has got nothing to do with love or to do with you. Its my choice, to set myself free of this misery. Free from sex.

A new journey awaits, for a 21 year old at the peak of his sexual prime.....extremely and sexcitingly sexless. I no longer want my mind and body to be held back by the need that is caused by sex. Sex keeps you wanting, Sex makes you afraid, Sex drives all your actions, Sex holds you back. Heres a big FUCK YOU to Sigmund Freud.

This will be my new awakening, my new-found freedom. EMBRACE

Tomorrow will be a brand new day.

TONIGHT, I"M THE HAPPIEST GUY ALIVE... TOMORROW YOU"LL BE THE HAPPIEST GIRL ALIVE

ALL Saints - Pure Shores

must have watched this movie more than 5 times.. never failed in reinforcing my belief that paradise exists out there...somewhere... i still believe in it

Placebo- Breath Underwater

Stand up

whatever has happened, has happened....I've got to see past the past.... and prepare for the future

despite the times i keep telling myself i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm fine... there are just as many times when my mind kept messing with me....screwing myself up.... "this can't be happening..."....i would tell myself..

but my world, my reality has a war going on between angels and demons...between faith and doubt..

and i'll just quote someone from the next few lines...

Yes, the universe is not cruel. the universe is smart. It knows we won't appreciate the things that fall into our laps... usually it falls nearby and makes us work for it... like bodybuilders call it the pain period... those that are willing to face pain, exhaustion, humiliation, rejection or worse...

i'm at the brink of being out-of-control......the same fear that pokes me for a mere 10 seconds in the past...that same fear has constricted me and will continue in an endless strangle-hold for the next few weeks BECAUSE I"M NOT GIVING UP...this isn't gonna stop me......i'm only human, i would give up and run...but because i believe in love, and i can't give up now...i will hold on till that very last breath.. the heart has no master, and thats the beauty of it.

Pen, you inspire me.. to live up to it. I'm coming back for you.

*exhale*

*inhale*

Breathe

---

p.s. i don't mean "I'm coming back for you" in the male chauvinistic pig way...just figuratively speaking... its more like the other way round..

I'll do everything

Everyone's childhood plays itself out. No wonder no one knows the other or can completely understand. By this I don't know if I'm just giving up with this conclusion or resigning myself - or maybe for the first time connecting with reality. How do we know the pain or another's earlier years, let alone all that he drags with him since along the way at best a lot of leeway is needed for the other - yet how much is unhealthy for one to bear. I think to love bravely is the best and accept - as much as one can bear. - Marilyn Monroe

i was the messed up one...but i'm trying

i'm prepared... i'll take everything you throw at me..

i'll give you your space, i'll give you your time.... i'll be invisible... you need to study and thats the most important.

you burnt my favourite t shirt AND my favourite coat...and now you're burning my heart..

but i'll brave the fire of rejection.

i'll be patient...

-------------------

hahahaha...theres this baby lizard in my room thats been running around for the past two days!

its ok, i'm not that mean... i won't kill you :)

you can sleep with me tonight, cos i'm lonely too D:

What do you mean my mind is fucked up???????????????? o_O

cos i think of you all the time... :(

There is nothing else i really want to talk about...

hahaha...okk...maybe i'll talk about something... finished most part of my project report, then gave up, cleaned up my room hung that stupid ikea thingy against my window finally.

was planning on breaking the 10 min mark of my extremely slow 2.4 timing, but i guess i'm going to my friend's place now to chill and play some guitar... oh he just called...yeah guess i'm going to break this 10 min mark today over at his place..

this is the worst blog post ever, but also the most eventful. :D

Godspeed to me..