i know i'll never be the same person again......but i was such a loser back then!...maybe when i look back in 5 years time......i would say i was a loser at the age of 20 too....
i think a short post would suffice, i missed the relationships and the friends that i have years ago....now, dynamics change...
i revisited a lan shop for the first time in a year or more i think and really enjoyed it....i thought i grew out of it many years ago...
to side track abit, l4d wasn't that bad a game, just that its wrong to play it in a lan shop, its not isolated.....it so unzombie-like to play it in such a 'organised' 'factory-like' environment... if you could isolate yourself for a day in serchung's basement...playing it with 3 other friends, then that would be hardcore fun....the spirit of lan gaming is isolation....i rmb going to cheepng or zhiyang's house to game endlessly from day to night.......
i rmb watching '28 days later', and its like the sort of movie you enjoy cos sometimes we embrace isolation, and spending hours just doing something that is not purposeful......
as a band, me chung bry and jan....wtf....enclosed in a studio......thinking back, anyone that isn't that obsessed with rock music would find it to be hell to spend 3 hours in a room that has some amplifiers..and nothing else......cos this isn't your typical jamming studio, that sells drinks and has nice rock posters everywhere, and dimmed lights... it like a four walled room filled only with the bare necessities....fricking plain.....the owner was a computer guy cum soundman, for numerous local bands though...
i rmb walking up the flight of stare to thing dingy warehouse in the middle of balestier....its a fucked up place... let me post a picture...i think i have still have them...
Good times.... as in i guess life was easy back then.... i think it was after reading 'the game' that my life sorta became desperate, it became a rat race only after having read that book...don't know if it was good..i use to not treat anything that seriously.....there was no pressure whatever........
i take mrt nowadays and guess whats going on in ppls' heads and wonder if it was simple..
it was sorta like just simply seeking out fun....and on whatever you can get your hands on...and you couldn't care less.......if time was wasted.....
now i worry bout not exercising enough, or not eating the right foods, my mental state, whether i'm in control of my emotions or try to influence it, whether i'm utilizing my time....during school....you just live thru each day like it was all laid out, like there was a greater plan for things to happen and you weren't in so much control so you just don't care...you didn't had to plan how to scale social obstacles or anything or social pressure...
i never had the concept of social pressure until recently......maybe i was a more confident as a person in the past!....now i have more situational confidence, or appear more confident, but deep inside i'm also like ten times more insecure and aware....
if i knew nothing, i was confident.....there was not a single tinge of self-doubt....did i ever even hesitate the things i did to a girl?.....i just felt emotionally compelled to do so.....and none of that was fear....
i just decided one day i had to do well in school at january 7th 2005..........talk about changing habits overnight....i just started picking up books to study so hardcore like i never did before....i was 38th or something in a class or 42(25th october 2004)....shall checked the report book for some proof....oh...11 august 2005, 30/42........7 october 2005..... 15/42....the jump seems ridiculously stupid.....i think even during august.....i know what i was doing already...i was ignoring the the teachers and the things they were teaching....back traccking to learn things that ppl have done many months earlier, i was doing catch up work....
and the thought of going up on stage...the decision to go up and perform....lol.....there was absolute zero stress in decision making!...we played for 6 performances(excluding auditions, rehearsals...blah blah) from late 2004 to 2006.......its like....i personally never thought of what ppl would think of me...if they would think i'm lousy or what....(lol...its ironic, its like we always think we're the greatest....but when i look back...my singing sucks!)...it doesn't take guts to perform in front of an audience....there is some andrenaline before the performance...but...when you walk onto the stage and address the audience.....and then there will always be that pause of nothingness, where they look at you just before you started playing...while we could still be tampering with our equipment here and there.....that tension is great!
suddenly....theres some relevance in these experiences to what i'm facing now.....why is it so hard to pull myself to do things now??? when it use to be a simple decision process...and i just did it... is it some forbidden fruit that i've taken that made me so insecure now compared to before....
maybe its motivation...the source of motivation.....
