My Vulnerabilities

Sometimes strength seems boundless, and sometimes you just want to give up the remaining pathetic life that is left in you. Suddenly i think my world has turned upside down, and all a poor being wants is for someone to hold and cling onto during this time of need and until the worst has past and things turn for the better.

Everything has its price of course, i hate to think this way, but i don't think that there is not such a thing as goodwill. Sure i admit i m weak and i need somebody to pull me through. But the only way to get through all this is to stand on my own.

I'm too afraid to believe in love. Developing feelings and having these feel good hormones is all too easy and that is not my problem. My problem is in believing that someone will stay with you through the darkest hour and to nurse the ailing soul.

I am reminded of the times that i was there for someone. It was my fault, but it wasn't out of guilt that i was there for her, but because of the great empathy i felt as i saw her break down emotionally. Being there for her as an emotional support for that few days was an immense test of patience and tolerance. Basically having to put aside everything during those few days to attend to her, and the sporadic flare ups. So many moments i had wanted to give up. But i was glad i didn't and stood by her side.

Eventually one day i would be in such a sorry state myself.

I had remembered my grandmother during the last month before she passed away. That last month was dreadful as the cancer in her brain took over and inflicted neverending physical pain and suffering. I could see the spirits of the caretakers around her losing it day by day. They were getting tired. They wanted to escape from the pain and burden that they had to bear. And i could also feel that my grandmother felt increasingly lonely in her final days. She was constantly caressing and touching inanimate objects, as if making friends with them. I've read in book on psychology that old people often display this behavior when they've lost all hope. She had lost her speech but she hasn't lost her emotions.

Humans are selfish. Trust is an expense that people do not give easily. I wish that were not the case.

To all the people i love, we may not give a briefest thought to the ones that mattered when we are held high but i hope to share your pain when you are down. There will always be a place in my heart.

Managing Life #1

Nothing is more important than the choices that we make. Choices can be hard because emotions have such a huge influence over them. Each choice is weighed by its pros and cons (and the emotions and fears that are attached to them), one can never have it all, there will be sacrifices, something we must accept. We must be able to make the hard decisions against our deluding emotional judgment.

Something my finance Prof has repeated many times during the first 2 weeks of lessons. "Companies will be tempted to pursue short term profit at the expense of long term value." (FYI, something my management accounting prof has also reinforced by showing us the results of a survey of executives, that executives choose to rely on "payback period" than NPV and IRR when it comes to capital budgeting decisions.)

Apparently, our lives has many things in parallel with corporations. Emotions and short term gratification must not get the better of us. We must not be tempted to choose sitting in front of the computer surfing away, watching some series, over perfecting our skills, exercise and sleeping early.

The past semester was a window of self-discovery. A discovery that i could put away all needs for emotional and mental stimulation for extended periods of time. I've always known i was capable of being isolated and not needing to talk to anyone in days just to work on something i'm passionate about. Doing it for months while trying to pick up girls, as well as periods of time practicing salsa. This semester showed me how much of it i was capable of directing that energy and motivation towards my academics (finally).  It doesn't really matter to hold a social life these days, there are always cute neighbours around that you can exchange small talk with. Actually, you cherish those moments of conversation with people a lot more.  The bad part is, people all want in, when they feel your passion and engrossment when you are building your life. And i hated it and want to run away from them, end up spending a few days helping others. They all come to you wanting something from you, sometimes i may have behaved arrogantly towards them, but it is so irritating that they want you to teach them this, explain that when they don't put in the time to think for themselves. I have benefitted a lot from the help of others along the way, but i never expected to be spoonfed. (Finally, i understand the pain of all the hot girls out there.)

Trying to cultivate productive habits is hardwork. Of course, I was not successful 100% of the time. I was only moderately successful through out the semester, stalling for 1 or 2 days in between. The worst part was that i crumbled during the exam period as I got bored. Still, through all that boredom, i managed to clocked in many hours of drudgery accomplish at least 60% of preparation required for the finals, (though i could have done much more, with regret) and i was lucky to have made it with good enough grades.

We always fall back to our vices and bad habits simply because it is easy. We innately prefer the easy path and the easy choices. Therefore we are inadvertently vulnerable to reverting to our old ways even after months of practicing good habits.

This summer:
More programming. (Build applications, javascript, SE project)
Build social confidence (Live in reality)
Salsa, esp spins, footwork, afrocuban.
Study my investment portfolio.
Maybe the last one and a half months getting some work for money.

Stay lean, stay focused. Good night.

Logically speaking

If you want a girl, go ahead and take it.

Especially when she is obviously interested.

I don't understand what exactly is up with the "moral dilemma"?? Why am i afraid to make a move when it is so obvious?

Treating someone with respect, does not encompass being fearful of what she might think of you.

Many times i am afraid to touch a girl because of this normative argument that we are disrespecting her. I doubt we are really that noble. I think what i am really afraid of, this deep psychological fear that she does not like me. And not really that it is wrong. There is nothing wrong! Just me justifying its wrongness to prevent myself from doing it, and preventing myself from risk of failure. This wrongness ends up being a blanket that covers all scenarios, even the opportunities.

Whenever faced with the situation, of whether to touch a girl, whether to escalate, whether to do it in front of everyone...... this fear of judgment is irrational. This fear/boundary exists without physiological arousal, thus one goes unaware throughout life that such a fear exist.

Just tell yourself, WAIT. what exactly is wrong if i "do this"? Oh.. theres nothing wrong. Do it.

Of course even if you manage to clear this mental obstacle, theres still the obstacle of "conversation".

To succeed with girls:
1) deal with fear. 2) practice conversation.

Lost

2 years of complacency can cause me to lose myself.

My inner voice is no longer clear, i am having empty conversations.

And i sought to find the well-rehearsed monologues that made me so popular amongst my friends.

Its funny how a couple of well-managed conversational threads and carefully engineered interactions with people can do your life.

I use to speak of faith and passion, now i speak of fear.

Rules of the Evolutionary Game

I am inclined to write a post about polyamory as the superior system as opposed to monogamous arrangements in developed societies.

While what is natural does not make it right. What is "right" is a system of norms. We deem actions unethical to reduce grief, jealousy and really painful emotions to humans in modern societies. But just because its painful does not make it wrong. Just because its painful does not mean we should totally build a system to avoid it completely. Nature isn't cruel, nature is fair. It is humans who are bitter about it. Marriage is fair to humans, if humans are equal, assuming humans are equal. We are disrupting a system of nature, because humans are not equal, and we benefit from having only superior genes propagate.

A system of less restraint, polyamory, while more painful, also ensures that evolutionary selective pressures remain strong and favoring superior genes.

To understand the curse that befall an individual that upholds the ethical principles/social norms of monogamy. Besides putting him in a constant denial and internal conflict, but mainly, reduces his desirability as a mate. He/she is essentially putting a barrier in front of him/her against interested mates thereby preventing his/her mating success merely to uphold a set of rules that prevent "emotional hurt" to others.

Is trying to prevent emotional "hurt" (if we can call it that, emotions are simply there to guide us, "hurt" is a signal, not a disastrous consequence.) upholding humanity? Is prevent emotional "hurt" to others, respecting our own emotions?

Marriage can be such a collective state of denial, a wuss way of handling your "hurt" by condemning our promiscuous wirings, when many tribal societies go around it by simply accepting it instead of coming up with a restrictive construct such as marriage. (Read more on the Masai people and their sexual practices, well or any other tribe. Perhaps even sexual practices in rural parts of Asia.)

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I think after we come to terms with our own internal ethics that have been so senselessly distorted by social norms, we can come to live fully with ourselves and remove that barrier that prevents us sexual access and live complete.

Decision Rules

for how long would i keep trading my soul to bondage?

because i have to live up to others expectations, i can never live out my own choices.

and people will always judge your choices as irresponsible and selfish to bent you to acquiesce to meet their own demands.

And i am sorry that while in the middle of that, i may have profited from the bargain by choosing to deal... maybe because humans can't seem to walk away from that one-time gratification, relief from stress and pain, fifteen minutes of fame, anything that is glittery... the deal was never an equal exchange, the lure is irresistible but you've paid for more than what its worth.

 "This is the story about us, being persuaded to spend money we don't have on things we don't need in order to create impressions which won't last on people we don't care about. - Tim Jackson

Do you need wealth, do you need sex? Some of it, but it does not rule your life.

Sometimes you gotta ask yourself the real reason behind the goals and dreams that you have and wonder if it for things that you are paying too huge a price for. It as simple as humans' choice for high-caloric foods and high-sugar, habits today that are maladaptive, habits that evolved at a time when such choices were scarce and we unconsciously magnify the value of these items that drive our impulses MORE than dirt.

this greed that may have served your genes well to transcend successive generations, may be the vulnerability that will make you easy prey to whoever understands to make use of you.

sometimes the face of evil is your greatest education and your greatest redemption.

Thats it.

Out out out... Thats it. I'm making a run for it.

No more being with people who just wants to bring you down.