LOSER

Its a sunday morning.. and i'm left with no idea on how i should deal with this... my ego just came crashing down yesterday and from then, i'm bouncing back and forth especially irrational mood swings when i'm alone. Moments of self-pity that hasn't struck me since....hmmmmm

well, one thing is that these things always feel like its the worst that you've ever been through...

So i've learn that the only way i can get over this is to let the pain seep through fully..and the last thing i want is to be avoid and suppress all these feelings

SIAN AHHHHHHHH

its always situations like these that i cave in under that huge desperation to hold on to something which is MEANT to be elusive.

and it coming out from again and again and again despite ME always advising others never to react or be emotionally stirred under any circumstances during the pursuit...

ah bullshit.. i'll just go straight into the story. and in case if you're the one involved reading this which i highly doubt so...don't worry, cos no one actually reads.

I"M SO STUPID....MY GOD!!!!! i SUBMISSIVELY SURRENDERED MYSELF AND JUST DROPPED MY VALUE IN HER EYES ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HELLLLLLL

we all know it...ppl like to call it the abyss..thats when, the girl places the pressure and resistance on the guy whose in pursuit...and then he gives in.... its all over. "Next!" maybe for evolutionary reasons.....and even societal resons...101 reasons i could explain this with the sociological context....but..

Thats not my point today. The point is that i'm a loser, and i'm here to indulge in my pain and get over it. OK AND I GOT TO SHUT OUT THIS NEUROTIC WAY OF HANDLING MY EMOTIONS...WHICH IS TO FUCKING INTELLECTUALIZE IT! FUCK

(oh well, then again i'll go to the intellectualizing part towards the end...)

the story: girl was attracted to me, could tell from her body language...because of the way i exhibited myself socially. (now this is still pretty intellectual and self-disassociating, some ego-defense mechanism that has activated itself without me even wanting it too....FUCKKKKKKKKKK!)

i can't even be honest with myself if i wanted to...

long story short...... I CRIED LIKE A FUCKING BABY IN FRONT OF HER, AND PUT HER IN SUCH A DIFFICULT POSITION. and why?! cos i can't even tell her the truth about myself.....the things that i'm not proud of....and i cried because i couldn't own up...and at a moment when i had already lost her.... parts of me just want to fight the case a little longer, saving myself from being placed in the abyss....yet i wanted to exposed all the secrets so i could own up to it....BUT I COULDN'T.... yeah...she probably doesn't deserve someone like me who has fucking issues..

in the pua point of view....i had given in wayyyy too much investment..the more investment i gave in, the more compliance i allowed, carrying her laptop, buying her meals...instead of the other way round.....always under the impression that it was an easy target, that i could simply cast the rules out...a simple joust of dominance and submission that i was too willing to give up...under the fake illusion that i was under control...but i wasn't

i need to stop intellectualizing and stop rationalizing... accept that i have messed up, and that she will no longer want to see me in private because of the confrontations that i put her through... looking at the fear and discrimination in her eyes... and repeating those scenes again and again in my head....

I am so pathetic... And guess what....when i tried to apologize yesterday before the disaster happened......and when i phoned to meet her....i was constantly telling myself... DON"T BRING IT UP DON"T BRING IT UP....DON"T CONFRONT UNSOLICITED EMOTIONS....i was reactive. i kept dancing around the edge...and then i fell off into a series of interrogations.

the more important question i need to answer now is.... Disaster Control.

First, spare all attempts at trying to appease and win her approval.

Second, stop hanging out with her, remove the attention and meet new people. She can go hang out with that boring guy of hers all she wants... (yes, and i would like to think i was the one sowing the seeds, like pumping buying temperature and getting her into a sexualised state while he simply reaped the rewards... i escalated blindly like a fool simply for someone else to win...but for now, i must believe that he is everything she wants in a man...)

Third, and its probably unrelated...haha... train for ippt and start studying!

In general....remove her from my central locus. For better or for worst. It would allow me to reframe interactions for one... and when she indeed returns one day like my previous experiences, i really really really hope that i wouldn't have moved on enough, or reject her for ego validation but instead accept her and have her back.

In the past, i simply lose interest, and couldn't push myself to do it anymore and i always assumed that i had moved on...but then, it may have been self-defeating behavior, to reject her simply to protect my own ego.

I SHALL MAKE MY PROMISE HERE THEN... I'LL ACCEPT HER IF THE TABLE EVER TURNS SIMPLY BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE THAT LEAP OF FAITH....that i've never taken..

Keep trying..

Unfortunately, if the world could be as easy as speaking about how you really feel...but it isn't.

They're right. Once you choose to do this, its the excitement and at other times the helplessness, desperation while on a rollercoaster.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i've actually already found my answer.. but just to share it with

you guys, whoever is reading and that may benefit you in future.

There isn't actually any practical methodology onto solving your problems. The only limits which you should control and the only things that matter are your emotional state.

I feel like an actor these days... To be highly emotionally-attuned, and at the same time bounce in and out of highs and lows. I believe that for different people, we have different "cycles" that behaves in like a wave pattern...

emotions of people simply fluctuate up and down in the absence of external validation. Some have higher frequency then others, perhaps that explains mood-swings. And some have really low frequencies which mean that they probably suffer between long periods of depressions and contentment.

The thing is, attraction and love are fleeting emotions.

Like always, i'm going to stop now lol....its really abrupt. Just caught an interesting article that took my attention away.

2011

its been 3 weeks, and i realised i haven't wrote anything down since... These 3 weeks however, were one of the best times i've had so far...and i foresee things to go uphill from here :D

like 2010, the year started out with a blast.... i'm far from becoming that ideal person, far from that ideal lifestyle...but in 1 and a half years of proactively seeking change has maximised my fulfillment in leaps and bounds.

No amount of problems seem enough to faze me, no amount of misery seem enough to hamper me.

The year of 2011 will be about getting things done. Getting my good grades. Getting my driver's license. Getting some money. Getting those lays. Getting my dance together. Getting my band back? And probably getting a girlfriend. I've spent enough time contemplating self-discovery. The transformation of a pauper. Granting myself a decent amount of self-respect and not letting myself down or worst; remain mediocre.

Sesame Street: Real Grouches Don't Dance

wtf! LOL..... spasming oscar from sesame street...