Sometimes strength seems boundless, and sometimes you just want to give up the remaining pathetic life that is left in you. Suddenly i think my world has turned upside down, and all a poor being wants is for someone to hold and cling onto during this time of need and until the worst has past and things turn for the better.
Everything has its price of course, i hate to think this way, but i don't think that there is not such a thing as goodwill. Sure i admit i m weak and i need somebody to pull me through. But the only way to get through all this is to stand on my own.
I'm too afraid to believe in love. Developing feelings and having these feel good hormones is all too easy and that is not my problem. My problem is in believing that someone will stay with you through the darkest hour and to nurse the ailing soul.
I am reminded of the times that i was there for someone. It was my fault, but it wasn't out of guilt that i was there for her, but because of the great empathy i felt as i saw her break down emotionally. Being there for her as an emotional support for that few days was an immense test of patience and tolerance. Basically having to put aside everything during those few days to attend to her, and the sporadic flare ups. So many moments i had wanted to give up. But i was glad i didn't and stood by her side.
Eventually one day i would be in such a sorry state myself.
I had remembered my grandmother during the last month before she passed away. That last month was dreadful as the cancer in her brain took over and inflicted neverending physical pain and suffering. I could see the spirits of the caretakers around her losing it day by day. They were getting tired. They wanted to escape from the pain and burden that they had to bear. And i could also feel that my grandmother felt increasingly lonely in her final days. She was constantly caressing and touching inanimate objects, as if making friends with them. I've read in book on psychology that old people often display this behavior when they've lost all hope. She had lost her speech but she hasn't lost her emotions.
Humans are selfish. Trust is an expense that people do not give easily. I wish that were not the case.
To all the people i love, we may not give a briefest thought to the ones that mattered when we are held high but i hope to share your pain when you are down. There will always be a place in my heart.
Everything has its price of course, i hate to think this way, but i don't think that there is not such a thing as goodwill. Sure i admit i m weak and i need somebody to pull me through. But the only way to get through all this is to stand on my own.
I'm too afraid to believe in love. Developing feelings and having these feel good hormones is all too easy and that is not my problem. My problem is in believing that someone will stay with you through the darkest hour and to nurse the ailing soul.
I am reminded of the times that i was there for someone. It was my fault, but it wasn't out of guilt that i was there for her, but because of the great empathy i felt as i saw her break down emotionally. Being there for her as an emotional support for that few days was an immense test of patience and tolerance. Basically having to put aside everything during those few days to attend to her, and the sporadic flare ups. So many moments i had wanted to give up. But i was glad i didn't and stood by her side.
Eventually one day i would be in such a sorry state myself.
I had remembered my grandmother during the last month before she passed away. That last month was dreadful as the cancer in her brain took over and inflicted neverending physical pain and suffering. I could see the spirits of the caretakers around her losing it day by day. They were getting tired. They wanted to escape from the pain and burden that they had to bear. And i could also feel that my grandmother felt increasingly lonely in her final days. She was constantly caressing and touching inanimate objects, as if making friends with them. I've read in book on psychology that old people often display this behavior when they've lost all hope. She had lost her speech but she hasn't lost her emotions.
Humans are selfish. Trust is an expense that people do not give easily. I wish that were not the case.
To all the people i love, we may not give a briefest thought to the ones that mattered when we are held high but i hope to share your pain when you are down. There will always be a place in my heart.
