Missing Piece...

i bump into an old friend earlier..and soon we got on the topic about relationships/fucking around..

it brought me back to the question that was haunting a few weeks prior to recent events...until i lost myself in the after-high recently....but now it came back..

a big part of it is still "honesty" and how much you can come to grips with your own faults and exposing it to the ppl around you..esp to the ones who needs to accept you.
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Then again, it is true that the above is a decision finally everyone has to and must make...

there are ppl who have crossed that mark and ppl who have not...and for me, do i need to do this now????
almost everyone that i've spoke to has pressured me to go this way...perhaps they are all right..
but i have no rational answer to this other then i just want to linger in the "transit terminal"....i just don't want to.

others have even said "This will make you happy, and you know it...why don't you want it?" it almost bear huge resemblance to the topic of God.. yes it would be better to have God, but i just don't want to submit my life to God...

for some reason i'm afraid...for some reason, ppl would sacrifice themselves to go to heaven and reach the final goal, while i'm still holding on to my worthless human flesh-suit...

settle?....nah..that day will come, but one does not go searching for it....

somehow, some part of me still crave the challenge...settling would make me happy i guess..but for me to even call it "settling down" is a misconception...and so i'm rambling and going in circles

i'm still bored, and i still don't know what i want, and i just want to fuck around...(again, as long as i am honest..)
such is the depth of my denial....knowing the truth, but not wanting to change. which is reality?

with women and relationships, investments, health.. there is no finish line... there is no settling down...you still have to keep working to make marriage and a long term relationship work..exciting, passionate...etc

no amount of sex, money, children..and something as elusive a "love"....can ever make us happy...yet that doesn't stop our instinctive natures from chasing after these...its a conspiracy of the universe....live like a monk.

Even when we know the truth, it still doesn't stop me from pursuing love. And the whole of mankind suffer from a great cognitive dissonance altogether..
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"It was not only that I could not become spiteful, I did not know how to become anything; neither spiteful nor kind, neither a rascal nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an insect. Now, I am living out my life in my corner, taunting myself with the spiteful and useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot become anything seriously, and it is only the fool who becomes anything." - Fyodor Dostoevsky