Heart-shaped box

I'm a heart-shaped box...pretty on the outside, empty on the inside..

its my inability to love, and the lack of courage to embrace this emotional complexity..

i don't know what just might happen after this weekend, but chances are, the upcoming experiences over the next few weeks will change my inherent outlook...

prepare to see a different me, or that i'll disappear...but know that i'm working hard and focused on the future and the unknown..

see chapter I here... http://ziqbarzak.blogspot.com/2009/06/mission-accomplished-xd.html

if i looked back at this one year, and thought about how much i grew/deteriorated as a person....in my perception, it still probably was slower than i would have imagined it to be....but in reality, its pretty satisfactory, and tremendous compared to most...

CHAPTER II: Diving Deep
I've taken many "risks" over the year in order to squeeze some lessons out of them...and the way i perceive these "risks" today....is that they arent risks at all....simply, the bark is worse than its bite....they're just scary....and thats all...with no actual loss/consequences after being rejected so many times...

while some would say this is a numbers game....i never really saw it in such a way...i've put a lot of emotional investment to each of them...and without effort, the numbers did grew as a result of the momentum acquired...

what i really want to work on in the next month or 2....would be to venture further, give more of myself...even if it means losing in some way....the lessons learnt and experiences gained, way outweighs the losses....and to deal with this higher order emotions involved in an advanced level game.

it definitely wont be easy....throwing myself into emotional distress and hoping to walk out of it alive... i've already took a beating this year, merely teasing compared to what i'm bracing myself for...i may even come out mad after this. oh well...

shall go to sleep now....DAY 1 starts.....................................-------> TOMORROW