What do you cling onto?

Love..(be careful, this is gonna be a long one....)

Damn, i'm tired and confused.... just 4 days ago, i was so clear-headed, and i know what i wanted to do or learn for the next few months....

now i feel like i've lost that sense of control again...

i've got a plan in the beggining, a masterplan to live my days according to some predetermined values...NO...once you step into it....you're swept off, and you don't know how to regain some of that foothold....

i don't know what i'm doing right now if its out of wanting to learn, out of fear, out of some misguided sense of validation which ceases to exist as of the end of today, out of cognitive dissonance(commonly known as denial).......

therefore, you see, the list of factors listed above shows that emotions truimph over logic any day......

whats stopping me from going after something i so much wanted last week, well, if i could recall, i was lying in my little blue bed back in a swamp in the middle of the Goverment-forsaken Singapore.......thinking abouthow great my life would turn out after ORD....


Bad working hours VS Good working hours
Lonesomeness VS Family warmth?
Girls with high social value VS Girl wannabes
Ppl who feel out of place VS ppl who feel comfortable
...............this is not helping..........i could go on comparing forever....it doens't matter

bar vs fine dining.......what kind of social dynamics do i want.........which is more uncomfortable so i can learn more....its not the matter of money, working hours or free meals.....

and i can't ask anybody anyway, no one is gonna make that decision for you.i've come acrss this so many times....
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*SNIP*.....

ah....the moment you quit playing the game, thats when you lose...

and that is like saying, you cant fall in love with anybody, until they fall in love with you first...

i'm not bitter or anything, maybe a little but, its the truth........cos once you do, you become enslaved by your own emotions....and everything that person says or do affects you adversely.....

well, i guess i'm going to finally see a point in trying this.....for the past few months, i work one target at a time....if what they say is true, with multiple targets, you divide attention and not get too attached...thus it doesn't hurt as much when you fall...yes this might just be the answer....

AND NO LONGER ANY MORE HESISTATION!.....ITS FULL ON!....yes, you might scare ppl away, but since you've already broken your reserve, you gain something, you live on with no regrets instead of thinking you should have done something....And since when did i scare anybody away........

Honesty is indeed the highest level of dominance....disregard of judgement from others....