Z

TEDxStockholm - Bob Hansson - Love is a big word but a tiny step

2011-12-05T03:16:00.000+08:00

TEDxStockholm - Staffan Ehde - Love and creativity

2011-12-05T03:05:00.000+08:00

A life of trying

2011-11-29T16:47:00.003+08:00

I've been thinking about it for sometime, whether i'm lazy and disorganized for a reason. Well, having analysed cultures and their idiosyncracies, traditions and rituals that perpetuate itself and stand the test of time mainly because it is not surpassed or its main objective is not accomplished by more efficient means and new methods.

I was beginning to wonder if my laziness was a physical manifestation to reinforce my chill/slack personality and "grunge".

If it is, what a bad attitude to have. I realised that if it was a habit, i would not have stuck to this self-deprecating cycle. But for me to even think this way, is also dangerous, it may hint at my acceptance, but also from a larger perspective, that if i want to change, i have to remould myself entirely.

The work-ethic that i lack, and i'm trading that to appear not-try-hard? If this is the case, its worst, because its a state of denial. Working just enough to appear talented but not enough to totally succeed, but denial in the sense that i'm still working.

Luckily, SMU apart from having piled on me an neverending channel of work, it has also allowed me to open my eyes to more successful personalities out there, compare, adopt and also less time to multitask, but to focus only on a few areas, and really force to decide between what activity derives maximum utility.

gotta step out of it and OWN SOME GAIMZ!

gotta step out of my ego, step out of my skewed unconscious internal reality, acknowledge the rewards of hardwork, and OWN SOME GAIMZ!

Heymoonshaker - London - Part Three

2011-11-26T18:14:00.000+08:00

Discomfort

2011-10-18T10:42:00.002+08:00

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Thats my brain up there. Don't know what the hell is happening man

2011-10-16T00:35:00.002+08:00

I'm so tired... i gave my life away...i lost sight of myself recently. The honesty that i've took so long to built... Now i've been lying to myself.

Self-pity, not something that i've had the time to indulge into for sometime. And even listening to music.. my soul came back for the first time today...all this while i've blocked it out, in hopes that i last longer, that i bear with it...

I'm really really pathetic right now. Maybe everyone feels this way.....but......

no.... all you ppl reading this and judging me right now, you're right..my life is fine, i'm not special, and my circumstances aren't unique.. Just focus and start being objective with myself.

The hours in a week

2011-10-05T19:07:00.003+08:00

Hours in a week = 24 hours*7 days = 168 hours

Hours spent sleeping = 7.5 hours*7 days = 52.5 hours

Hours spent injesting = 3 hours * 7 days = 21 hours

Hours spent travelling = 2.5 hours * 7 days = 17.5 hours

Hours spent preparing to leave the hours and winding down upon reaching home = (1+1) * 7 days = 14 hours

Hours spent in the toilet = 0.5 hours * 7 = 3.5 hours

Hours remaining = 168-52.5-21-17.5-14-3.5 = 59.5 hours that i have control of!

Hours dancing = 2 trainings + sat noon training + 1 social = (3+3+3) + 2 = 11 hours

Body maintenance = 1 hour sessions * 4 days = 4 hours

Hours on the guitar or blogging = 0.5 * 7 days = 3.5 hours

Hours packing my room per week = 2 hours

Hours studying/schoolwork and break in between = (3+0.5+3)*7 = 45.5 hours

Total time required for activities = 11+4+3.5+2+45.5 = 66 hours

Hours left = 59.5 - 66 = -6.5 hours

No wonder i'm always short of time!!!!

End of time-management part I. To be continued...

10,000 hour rule. That’s 20 hours a week for 10 years.

TTTT

2011-10-04T01:18:00.002+08:00

i say slack no more! Together to the top!!!! Anyone with me? Feel free to contact me, we'll make the best of our time here on earth. :)

Aïcha

2011-10-04T00:19:00.000+08:00

crazy footballer at the back.. Omg..LOL

The Beatles Live At The Star Club 10/29 - Besame Mucho

2011-10-03T23:32:00.000+08:00

Writer's block, Recession

2011-09-20T22:35:00.003+08:00

Starting off in a blog entry, ala stream of consciousness is never difficult to anybody... And it comes easier as you elevate yourself onto a pedestal and believe that whatever comes out from the top of your head will be gold.

I have neglected an aspect of my life that i've worked really hard for 2 years in the past to built, an inner core that exemplifies sincerity, enthusiasm, passion and flirtatiousness... Strange that as these neural pathways aren't activated as often these days, its difficult to get them fired up again.

To be your 'ideal' self, you got to live it every moment, you got to challenge and scrutinise every puny insecurity, and it starts with those that you care least about or the things that especially don't "matter".

These days, i associate myself with this boring, lifeless sympathy that doesn't have that energy beaming from the inside. And the excuses i tell myself are obvious, that i do not need a social life, for i have a girlfriend and academic success to pursue.

This is sad, its been one too many times when i just took the easy way out, hoisting me back once again into mediocrity.

Baila y Gana!: Coreo Danza Kuduro (de Frente) /TKM Argentina

2011-09-15T01:54:00.000+08:00

Best Protoss in The World

2011-09-09T12:29:00.000+08:00

Best gamer, best in everything in life, good in pick up too i think, according to the words and thoughts that he uses in some of first few vids that i saw a few years back.. hmmm :)

I lost my phone today

2011-09-02T02:04:00.002+08:00

I lost my phone today, and learnt a huge lesson. I spent an hour looking for it high and low...well i bet it was more than an hour. Only that, i didn't stop to rest.... I kept going, searching...looking back to what happened earlier...i was focused and didn't stop to think more than 10 seconds about whether to give up..

But the whole time i was looking, i realised that the entire act was not an act of logic or reason. Rather, a hugely emotional one. I debated constantly, and weighing the realities of having lost the phone and whether it would make the slightest dent in my life, whether i could live without my contacts and numbers and shit.. The truth is, i can....i've lost a phone before too. But that didn't stop me from continue to search for the next half an hour. I told myself to just give up, but i couldn't, for something that i took for granted only because i've grown so attached and comfortable with having it around.

And when i finally did found it, when melissa dialed my number and it happened that someone kept it somewhere safe....my spirit was lifted. The weight in my heart was lifted...

But not so much, for the ones you love and the ones you trust. I've got no bitter feelings right now... Well, every experience is worth going through as much as it is feared. And i hope that tomorrow i will have the strength like i've always been in the past to surf right by.

The ego takes the greatest hit, only because the ego is weak. Sadly, nothing when dead is beautiful. Be open, and i hope my intellectual, physical, emotional and mental sides would come together as one to take that blow.

Good night.

2011-08-30T10:17:00.001+08:00

The world should just fuck off now.

You can change yourself, but you can never change the world.

FUCK

2011-08-09T10:59:00.003+08:00

To some, being in control means strength.

I just realised this morning, this swarm of energy flowing through me once again. And for me, thats not true.. For me, it is about being out of control. Its weird, this thing about "control". Its not the word that emphasises what most peple refer it as, being calm and clear-headed, logical and analysing everything. (like i'm analysing right now..an irony to what i'm about to say.)

A man needs to live like he needs to fuck everything. How else does he live life with passion. To imbed himself in a whirlwind of chaos. He doesn't find strength in receiving, he finds strength in chasing. A life where he never stops chasing.

Its strange for me to have not recognise this before, punk music and anything that explodes with a bountiful of expression is about this mad, rule-bending, energy that comes out from him or her and never taking in energy, like a genius is mad. Are they ever in control? In control of their pursuit, but never in control of why they pursue. Never in control of their passion. Yet in society, we are expected to behave like we're suppose to be in control. Be civilized and obedient, does it mean, the rules and norms are there to prevent the herd from from ever realising each and everyone of its strive? I guess so, due to scarcity, society can't afford to endow success upon everyone. And why we have "average" people around.......

The virtues of patience and being humble, the therapeutic qualities of going the extra mile to be selfless are merely placing a lid over the boiling kettle. That moment of madness and passion contained but building up under pressure, till it all spills out of control. Perhaps like building up an orgasm. Most can't control when it spills, would be great to be able to control when, but the real solution is to have a big load and masturbate all the time and have all sorts of orgasms, multiple orgasm. (now i'm rambling....)

I'm off to explore states of consciousness, stream of consciousness, or FLOW

This week I'm humbled.

2011-08-01T18:03:00.001+08:00

BRB.... Soon.
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Compliance

2011-07-26T02:30:00.002+08:00

Compliance is a fucking strange business... Compliance across cultural boundaries.... i don't know what you detractors know or think you know... Many ppl put themselves in cages, not knowing the true possibilities of humanity... Been watching these guys for three seasons... you see and understand things clearly.. While Cialdini writes a book.

As i grow increasingly tired..

2011-07-24T03:26:00.002+08:00

I think i've been in a bit of a slight denial, despite my avid acknowledgement that i've been degenerating perhaps for the past 2 months at least... Strange to be experiencing a trough in my life right now despite having gotten most of what i want.. a decrease in my confidence and thus overall life satisfaction and vice versa...

Its been reeking in my mind for the past few weeks and i thought to get it out at least at this unsuitable hour when i've got to wake up early tomorrow morning for a trip to johor bahru.

I haven't rambled like this for a while, so spare me the judgement and criticism (not for my sake, but for you guys out there comfortably tucked away in shallow cages to get a glimpse of falling short of being able to rely on your confidence AKA briefly-validated-for-the-time-being-ego)

I need to get out there and pull off some crazy stunts to feel my sense of existence again......................ahhhh... there is only so much words to describe this current state of being... *signing out*

2011-07-24T02:56:00.000+08:00

A moment of emotional degradation inspired this post.

2011-07-19T16:36:00.002+08:00

Fuck.... Sigh... Aiyo...

How can i be so stupid! I need to whine..... Committed a stupid blunder during BOSS bidding and now i'm suffering this after-crisis trauma!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK..

Just realised i have everything else in life that i'm not worrying about except to brood over this shit...

well, in the first place, its not even a big deal... things, come and go... people, come and go... "In the long run, we're all dead."......YET....

Life's too short to be obsessed with a few small eCredits!

Sorry dear, if you're reading this... i really need a shoulder to lean on, and a pat on the head... to tell me everything is gonna be fine...

And this happens because i was cooped up in my room today the whole day and too lazy to get myself together.

SLEEP!

Frankie's Palomilla Performance

2011-07-09T02:20:00.000+08:00

ZAZ A MONTMARTE - Dimanche Musical

2011-07-06T13:14:00.000+08:00

Youri in Paris

2011-07-06T04:14:00.000+08:00

Montmartre Music Criminals

2011-07-06T03:51:00.000+08:00

"Virtual Insanity" + "Save Tonight" by Felix Fables

2011-07-06T03:50:00.000+08:00

Where do i even begin?!!!

2011-06-29T07:17:00.002+08:00

At a time when i'm stuck in between being really too tired and lazy to want to do anything...but too awake to get to sleep.. Back from Italy feeling like i have lot of things that require my attention, lots of things on my mind, tossing and turning on the bed, maybe a hint of neediness, a hint of wanting attention from the world, yet finding it increasingly hard to express myself...even on here..

Sucks to be stuck, yet afraid to move on and indulging in this moment of limbo...

Who can i turn to? But i can only try to shut my mind.

The weather here in Singapore SUCKS... its so hot at night...i become damp and clammy, when i lock the fan's position onto me, its so windy on my face and body its too irritating. I can't turn on the aircon my nose will react and become runny....

I do not want to be mediocre, but no longer want to be famous. I'm at best, internally-referenced, yet at times, the slight insecurity makes me feel externally detached..

Needy not like i want to... yet if i hold back, i don't feel human.

Sacrifices are so hard, i want to be free and do what i want, live in the moment and move forward at a mesmerizing speed..

Yes! I've found my answer for now, but before soon, i'll come upon another invisible wall.. Struggling, facing my fears, debating my morals, pursuing my desires.

I think i need i want to be intellectually challenged, and mentally stimulated right now. Maybe read a novel to escape reality. A computer game fares poorly when it comes to stimulating the imagination.... Oooooo...feel so artsy fartsy right now.

Just mind your own business

2011-05-30T10:57:00.003+08:00

a check on my own sanity.... this social validation, i guess some people need it... until they realise it gets nowhere...in my head, these things... the cost outweighs the benefits. Why go through so much to put yourself out there, just to be one of them...when you could the whole, independent unique you?

oh well doesn't matter... my muse is back!

High five for first kiss (original)

2011-05-29T10:39:00.000+08:00

Elliott works on his game

2011-05-29T10:33:00.000+08:00

Dealing with insecurity

2011-05-26T00:01:00.003+08:00

When it all boils down to this, the blog can't save you.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, they truly care and all they want is for you to not go astray.

Connecting the dots

2011-05-16T00:54:00.002+08:00

the above title refers to the phrase Steve Jobs mentioned in the popular Standford address video to a group of graduating students...

this summer, i was lucky enough to experience one of the most fulfilling experiences in cambodia...and with i, comes many new thrilling opportunities lying just beneath the horizon...

Dream big, that was the message that i got out of today's conversation with hock chuan about his aspirations to be successful in his business... and i thank him for bringing to spark some of the ideas that was harbouring under the surface...

excited bout my new job...and my euro trip, and the eventual return of who else, but none other than my one and only, penelope...

and then you realise, how all this all links up... the dancing, the singing, the adventures, the pick ups, the people, the experiences...

one big juicy pursuit..

Listening to Machina II and thinking about how my life has past

2011-04-19T20:15:00.005+08:00

Thanks to serchung for recommending this "lost" album by the smashing pumpkins, never commercially released (meaning no profits) but one of the most significant albums in the history of the band. Yep, indeed, music labels are blind and all bout the money, never the art... the last album where the original members made together before they broke up in 2000... Corgan went ahead to instruct his fans to distribute it online in 2000...

One day, i'll track down the story that corgan is trying to tell the world through his albums... but for now, back to myself... I guess, ppl have been wondering if i've lost my personal voice recently. But no.... cognitive dissonance or not... everyday is another day at self-exploration.... and taking things as it comes.

A greater sense of awareness, and a brand new journey with someone i'm willing to explore love and life with... Well, i have to admit....life never gets easier...life only gets harder. But its hard, not in the sense that its painful and unbearable, but in that it is growing more interesting and challenging each day...

I'm sorry i'm short of words these days... there is nothing more i want to say, other than the words i want to say to her.

The next few months will be a real challenge...being apart for a month..living it out, possibly toughing it out in europe for the next month...and having to train for a dance competition in july that i do feel is one of the most important personal milestones in my life...

Am i afraid??? yes... but just as much as how we're afraid that our lives will end suddenly before the next day...we just don't think about these things but have faith in the fruits that we may reap from the investments we've made and go ahead pursuing...

haven't travelled the world, haven't moved out...(soon, i hope)... but life's still great for a 21 y/o.....

2011-04-15T17:58:00.003+08:00

i'm so frickin tired because i just finished working out and just had my lunch..

and at times like these, and esp that its raining now...i just keep thinking of you.. and i wonder, theres nothing much to think about..its just you...

standing there,

sitting down,

lying down...

doing whatever, i don't even know...

like really random stuff perhaps....

lol...but just your image itself.. it's been lingering in my mind the whoooole day.

you're just so cute and sexy all the time...and its funny, cos i must have grossed all the readers out there the past 2 months or so, talking about it... i must be blessed to be able to feel this way, to be CRAZILY in love.... its hard to believe it myself..."love", that some ppl deem imaginary and delusional... this stupid energy, force, essence, Chi, chakra that hangs between us..

"all i want for christmas.. is you!"

p.s. this msg goes out to all bored ppl out there, old uncles aunties... hope that this inspires you to believe in human love and sincerity.

The Marshmallow Test

2011-04-09T12:06:00.000+08:00

THIS IS HOW YOU TORTURE ME EVERYDAY!!!!! ARHGHGHH

Marshmallow test reproduced by Dr David Walsh @ wcco

2011-04-09T12:05:00.000+08:00

2011-04-09T10:25:00.001+08:00

Stanford Marshmallow Experiment

Why women are the best teachers......

2011-04-09T01:50:00.006+08:00

Important lessons, i would pay a few thousand dollars to learn and i will still not get it right....unless a woman is there to put you through it.

This week, i saw my life flashed past my eyes..in an instant, i saw what were all the things that went wrong with my life, that i was doing wrong... it was painful, but like all lessons that had to be learnt, pain was necessary....

and at a point when i was immensely lost and confused... i would have easily made the wrong decision and fall into the abyss for many years and not be able to deal with it....i was lucky i came out alive... i was lucky she patiently stood by my side long enough for me to come to my senses..

Something she said struck me...."that guys want girls around to boost their ego"...conventional wisdom, yes.... but hearing it from someone else telling you that you had a problem, that was a lot different..

i was rushing too fast into things...i thought being fast was being efficient, i expected instant results....but, it was all just an effort to validate my personal ego.. chasing empty sex... why was i so impatient in the past... why was i pushing things instead of just letting things develop..

even today, at lunch...for awhile, a small part of me was insecure....why was i worried? my ego was afraid of being crushed, and i went through the same pattern of chasing validation.. i made things awkward and she could sense it.... until i snapped myself out of it.

yet, as corny as it seem, i finally understood that.... Love is not something to be rushed.... something that she had been trying so hard to tell me, but i ignored and led the both of us straight into disaster......

Love is not something to be rushed, to be impatient about...

Love is not about holding on to something, and throwing away everything else thats important..

Love is not blind... For me, it has only made things clearer

Not yet, but one day... against my wildest beliefs... i'll become that white knight in shining armor.

As long as we're willing to put in the effort to let it grow...it will blossom.

Bullet proof..i wish i was ((Radiohead)) --Nobody

2011-04-08T16:02:00.000+08:00

welcome to the real world

2011-04-08T00:54:00.006+08:00

BE PATIENT! PROVE HER WRONG!

--------------------------------------------

WARNING

This post is in no way being sarcastic.

Yet, it is the entirely opposite. Filled only with sincerity.

~~~

OMG!! i just came to realised, my worst fears came true.....after having thought through about it, i hate to admit this......... unfortunately, she is right. my mind is filled with sex. One day, i'll look back at this and i won't be able to face myself.

Thats it. I'm doing what no other guy has dared to do. I know i'm going to regret this someday, but life has got bigger things for you, right now you gotta cleanse yourself of this junk.

I've deleted my entire porn collection, pictures, and much dirtier things than that within the inner depths of my life even you don't know about.

And no this has got nothing to do with love or to do with you. Its my choice, to set myself free of this misery. Free from sex.

A new journey awaits, for a 21 year old at the peak of his sexual prime.....extremely and sexcitingly sexless. I no longer want my mind and body to be held back by the need that is caused by sex. Sex keeps you wanting, Sex makes you afraid, Sex drives all your actions, Sex holds you back. Heres a big FUCK YOU to Sigmund Freud.

This will be my new awakening, my new-found freedom. EMBRACE

Tomorrow will be a brand new day.

2011-04-06T22:48:00.001+08:00

TONIGHT, I"M THE HAPPIEST GUY ALIVE... TOMORROW YOU"LL BE THE HAPPIEST GIRL ALIVE

ALL Saints - Pure Shores

2011-04-06T19:11:00.000+08:00

must have watched this movie more than 5 times.. never failed in reinforcing my belief that paradise exists out there...somewhere... i still believe in it

Placebo- Breath Underwater

2011-04-06T09:23:00.000+08:00

Stand up

2011-04-06T08:16:00.006+08:00

whatever has happened, has happened....I've got to see past the past.... and prepare for the future

despite the times i keep telling myself i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm fine... there are just as many times when my mind kept messing with me....screwing myself up.... "this can't be happening..."....i would tell myself..

but my world, my reality has a war going on between angels and demons...between faith and doubt..

and i'll just quote someone from the next few lines...

Yes, the universe is not cruel. the universe is smart. It knows we won't appreciate the things that fall into our laps... usually it falls nearby and makes us work for it... like bodybuilders call it the pain period... those that are willing to face pain, exhaustion, humiliation, rejection or worse...

i'm at the brink of being out-of-control......the same fear that pokes me for a mere 10 seconds in the past...that same fear has constricted me and will continue in an endless strangle-hold for the next few weeks BECAUSE I"M NOT GIVING UP...this isn't gonna stop me......i'm only human, i would give up and run...but because i believe in love, and i can't give up now...i will hold on till that very last breath.. the heart has no master, and thats the beauty of it.

Pen, you inspire me.. to live up to it. I'm coming back for you.

*exhale*

*inhale*

Breathe

---

p.s. i don't mean "I'm coming back for you" in the male chauvinistic pig way...just figuratively speaking... its more like the other way round..

I'll do everything

2011-04-06T00:27:00.003+08:00

Everyone's childhood plays itself out. No wonder no one knows the other or can completely understand. By this I don't know if I'm just giving up with this conclusion or resigning myself - or maybe for the first time connecting with reality. How do we know the pain or another's earlier years, let alone all that he drags with him since along the way at best a lot of leeway is needed for the other - yet how much is unhealthy for one to bear. I think to love bravely is the best and accept - as much as one can bear. - Marilyn Monroe

i was the messed up one...but i'm trying

i'm prepared... i'll take everything you throw at me..

i'll give you your space, i'll give you your time.... i'll be invisible... you need to study and thats the most important.

you burnt my favourite t shirt AND my favourite coat...and now you're burning my heart..

but i'll brave the fire of rejection.

i'll be patient...

-------------------

hahahaha...theres this baby lizard in my room thats been running around for the past two days!

its ok, i'm not that mean... i won't kill you :)

you can sleep with me tonight, cos i'm lonely too D:

2011-04-05T12:40:00.001+08:00

What do you mean my mind is fucked up???????????????? o_O

cos i think of you all the time... :(

There is nothing else i really want to talk about...

2011-04-04T17:06:00.004+08:00

hahaha...okk...maybe i'll talk about something... finished most part of my project report, then gave up, cleaned up my room hung that stupid ikea thingy against my window finally.

was planning on breaking the 10 min mark of my extremely slow 2.4 timing, but i guess i'm going to my friend's place now to chill and play some guitar... oh he just called...yeah guess i'm going to break this 10 min mark today over at his place..

this is the worst blog post ever, but also the most eventful. :D

Godspeed to me..

Sometimes the hardest thing & right thing are the same

2011-03-30T03:18:00.002+08:00

and that is to love with the whole of your heart.

BE BRAVE

S.E.X.

2011-03-29T18:43:00.005+08:00

a bulk of unrequited feelings plagues me today...

you don't know how hard it is for me....to try and explain the world to a goldfish swimming in a fish bowl..

All i ever wanted was to give you the world...and you think i'm trying to rob it away from you...

you slam me for being a criminal after all i've done...and i'm really sad that despite all i've tried to do you think all thats on my mind is....yah..lol..."rough sex"....how ridiculous your wild imagination can get...

when i touch you, you think its because i'm horny. when i admire you, you think i'm horny. when we kiss, you think i'm horny. pretty soon, i don't really want to come near you... Its called, yep......you got it.... negative reinforcement

you just don't bother to listen...everything i say is turned to poison in your mind...

i've got so much to say to you, but my blog seems the better friend.

if i tell you how i feel...you'll say "even words need space.."

We're after the same thing and you just don't get it...the thing you want, love, if its what you like to call it... you're pushing away further.....i can't teach you how to love! you just have to give it all...whats the point of fear after all? fear is the reason why you'll regret never seeing the happy ending.. unless you take my hand and i'll bring you there.

Sarah White_Naked Therapist

2011-03-20T00:39:00.000+08:00

U2 - Sweetest Thing

2011-03-16T23:22:00.000+08:00

The Perfect Experience

2011-03-13T00:48:00.003+08:00

As time passes.... I no longer love in fear. No insecurities to hold me back..

All i think about in my mind is how you look when you laugh... And i'm sure that when i look back in the years to come, i'll remember that our love was real for the moment.

Wake up to reality.

2011-03-07T00:17:00.005+08:00

Theres a right time and place for everything...

sometimes words that weigh too much are a burden and should never be spoken of...... we don't want to be a burden to others, what we all want is to be free.

so, save myself a little emotional pain, respect and pride by being less needy and everything else will be perfect.

I don't wanna be the asthma that suffocates you but the CPR that breathes life into you.

Until now she has been really patient and tolerant of me... i don't ever wanna let her down again.

In relationships, its hard to expect people to change for you...and "they" would say never to expect too much from your partner... However, i've seen people change...and unfortunately too, i change like the wind... "the way to really strengthen as a person is to develop different aspects of your character, and it does feel strange, but the longer you do it...the more it becomes a part of you." :D

Well, by next week... we'll be in a whole different game. Stay tuned!

2011-03-01T17:59:00.002+08:00

i don't blog much these days, don't tweet, don't tumblr... Many things in life are parsimonious. And lets just stop making things more complicated than it actually is... :D

In addition to "Free Love", something that i believe in...

heres another that would reinforce my faith in life...

Love UNCONDITIONALLY.

LOVE

2011-02-25T20:01:00.003+08:00

Love bends the space-time continuum.

Love makes your lover look more beautiful than she actually is.

Perhaps its not that you are blinded by love but rather it was love that sheds light and maketh aware the presence of her beauty.

Love makes you lose control. Yet it is not about being in control that makes you free but the freedom from being judged.

And with love we finally appreciate the finer things amidst the bleakness in reality.

It is too demanding to expect trust and security from your lover. Honesty is more than everything one can ask for.

but, lust is an entirely different game.

Intellectualising, post-rationalisation time

2011-02-13T11:44:00.004+08:00

Its not until recently that i discovered so many facets, so many reactivity in myself being in this new phase of my life.

All the things you learn about pick-up and psychology, all the state-management techniques or advice that you learn cannot stand against the flood of emotions when it comes pouring in...

Perhaps like before, its just uncharted territory for me and my emotions are the primary directions now until my conscious mind can set in. However, unlike before...i'm less desperate...indicated by the fact that i'm no longer seeking advice, self-help..solutions to deal with it but instead relishing the emotional ride.... I guess its like the stock market where prices go up and down all the time.. You don't have to sell but just sit on it....unless of course it PLUNGES....then again, you have no choice but to keep it there so it goes back up again after a long time.

and strangely enough, perhaps its knowing how to deal with this things, that calmness remains at the equilibrium position. Self-disassociatingly, i'm looking at myself and the drama unfold in third person.

Its like crying and feeling lonely at times, while at that moment...a voice in my head goes..."What?! is this for real?...hahahaha...i can't believe myself to behave like such a baby"

And its so interesting sometimes, NOT TO BE IN CONTROL...but to lose yourself to emotion.

After the commonplaces of everyday life, with their muffled dramas, all my organic expertise for dealing with physical injury had long been blunted or forgotten. The crash was the only real experience I had been through for years. - J.G. Ballard

Of course, its not that extreme of having the "luxury" of experiencing a car crash...but this story of love and passion now, makes me feel alive.

Seth Rogen

2011-02-11T13:16:00.000+08:00

GET A GRIP!

2011-02-08T17:57:00.002+08:00

Instead of whining, i've gotta deal with this right here, right now.

CUT THE OBSESSION.

i didn't come here for surrender, i came here for empowerment.

Just like anything else that i've ever done before, its probably going to be a huge emotional struggle but the rewards are going to be immense.

Stop having it easy, stop caving in to insecurities.

Love is not about needing somebody.

LOSER

2011-01-30T08:44:00.003+08:00

Its a sunday morning.. and i'm left with no idea on how i should deal with this... my ego just came crashing down yesterday and from then, i'm bouncing back and forth especially irrational mood swings when i'm alone. Moments of self-pity that hasn't struck me since....hmmmmm

well, one thing is that these things always feel like its the worst that you've ever been through...

So i've learn that the only way i can get over this is to let the pain seep through fully..and the last thing i want is to be avoid and suppress all these feelings

SIAN AHHHHHHHH

its always situations like these that i cave in under that huge desperation to hold on to something which is MEANT to be elusive.

and it coming out from again and again and again despite ME always advising others never to react or be emotionally stirred under any circumstances during the pursuit...

ah bullshit.. i'll just go straight into the story. and in case if you're the one involved reading this which i highly doubt so...don't worry, cos no one actually reads.

I"M SO STUPID....MY GOD!!!!! i SUBMISSIVELY SURRENDERED MYSELF AND JUST DROPPED MY VALUE IN HER EYES ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HELLLLLLL

we all know it...ppl like to call it the abyss..thats when, the girl places the pressure and resistance on the guy whose in pursuit...and then he gives in.... its all over. "Next!" maybe for evolutionary reasons.....and even societal resons...101 reasons i could explain this with the sociological context....but..

Thats not my point today. The point is that i'm a loser, and i'm here to indulge in my pain and get over it. OK AND I GOT TO SHUT OUT THIS NEUROTIC WAY OF HANDLING MY EMOTIONS...WHICH IS TO FUCKING INTELLECTUALIZE IT! FUCK

(oh well, then again i'll go to the intellectualizing part towards the end...)

the story: girl was attracted to me, could tell from her body language...because of the way i exhibited myself socially. (now this is still pretty intellectual and self-disassociating, some ego-defense mechanism that has activated itself without me even wanting it too....FUCKKKKKKKKKK!)

i can't even be honest with myself if i wanted to...

long story short...... I CRIED LIKE A FUCKING BABY IN FRONT OF HER, AND PUT HER IN SUCH A DIFFICULT POSITION. and why?! cos i can't even tell her the truth about myself.....the things that i'm not proud of....and i cried because i couldn't own up...and at a moment when i had already lost her.... parts of me just want to fight the case a little longer, saving myself from being placed in the abyss....yet i wanted to exposed all the secrets so i could own up to it....BUT I COULDN'T.... yeah...she probably doesn't deserve someone like me who has fucking issues..

in the pua point of view....i had given in wayyyy too much investment..the more investment i gave in, the more compliance i allowed, carrying her laptop, buying her meals...instead of the other way round.....always under the impression that it was an easy target, that i could simply cast the rules out...a simple joust of dominance and submission that i was too willing to give up...under the fake illusion that i was under control...but i wasn't

i need to stop intellectualizing and stop rationalizing... accept that i have messed up, and that she will no longer want to see me in private because of the confrontations that i put her through... looking at the fear and discrimination in her eyes... and repeating those scenes again and again in my head....

I am so pathetic... And guess what....when i tried to apologize yesterday before the disaster happened......and when i phoned to meet her....i was constantly telling myself... DON"T BRING IT UP DON"T BRING IT UP....DON"T CONFRONT UNSOLICITED EMOTIONS....i was reactive. i kept dancing around the edge...and then i fell off into a series of interrogations.

the more important question i need to answer now is.... Disaster Control.

First, spare all attempts at trying to appease and win her approval.

Second, stop hanging out with her, remove the attention and meet new people. She can go hang out with that boring guy of hers all she wants... (yes, and i would like to think i was the one sowing the seeds, like pumping buying temperature and getting her into a sexualised state while he simply reaped the rewards... i escalated blindly like a fool simply for someone else to win...but for now, i must believe that he is everything she wants in a man...)

Third, and its probably unrelated...haha... train for ippt and start studying!

In general....remove her from my central locus. For better or for worst. It would allow me to reframe interactions for one... and when she indeed returns one day like my previous experiences, i really really really hope that i wouldn't have moved on enough, or reject her for ego validation but instead accept her and have her back.

In the past, i simply lose interest, and couldn't push myself to do it anymore and i always assumed that i had moved on...but then, it may have been self-defeating behavior, to reject her simply to protect my own ego.

I SHALL MAKE MY PROMISE HERE THEN... I'LL ACCEPT HER IF THE TABLE EVER TURNS SIMPLY BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE THAT LEAP OF FAITH....that i've never taken..

Keep trying..

2011-01-29T10:11:00.004+08:00

Unfortunately, if the world could be as easy as speaking about how you really feel...but it isn't.

They're right. Once you choose to do this, its the excitement and at other times the helplessness, desperation while on a rollercoaster.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i've actually already found my answer.. but just to share it with

you guys, whoever is reading and that may benefit you in future.

There isn't actually any practical methodology onto solving your problems. The only limits which you should control and the only things that matter are your emotional state.

I feel like an actor these days... To be highly emotionally-attuned, and at the same time bounce in and out of highs and lows. I believe that for different people, we have different "cycles" that behaves in like a wave pattern...

emotions of people simply fluctuate up and down in the absence of external validation. Some have higher frequency then others, perhaps that explains mood-swings. And some have really low frequencies which mean that they probably suffer between long periods of depressions and contentment.

The thing is, attraction and love are fleeting emotions.

Like always, i'm going to stop now lol....its really abrupt. Just caught an interesting article that took my attention away.

2011

2011-01-23T02:19:00.002+08:00

its been 3 weeks, and i realised i haven't wrote anything down since... These 3 weeks however, were one of the best times i've had so far...and i foresee things to go uphill from here :D

like 2010, the year started out with a blast.... i'm far from becoming that ideal person, far from that ideal lifestyle...but in 1 and a half years of proactively seeking change has maximised my fulfillment in leaps and bounds.

No amount of problems seem enough to faze me, no amount of misery seem enough to hamper me.

The year of 2011 will be about getting things done. Getting my good grades. Getting my driver's license. Getting some money. Getting those lays. Getting my dance together. Getting my band back? And probably getting a girlfriend. I've spent enough time contemplating self-discovery. The transformation of a pauper. Granting myself a decent amount of self-respect and not letting myself down or worst; remain mediocre.

Sesame Street: Real Grouches Don't Dance

2011-01-06T14:40:00.000+08:00

wtf! LOL..... spasming oscar from sesame street...

Thirteen Senses - History - Portsmouth Wedgewood Rooms

2010-12-29T17:58:00.000+08:00

psychedelic music plays here

2010-12-29T16:15:00.003+08:00

How can i fit into this social realm? I'm 21 and i'm still struggling to find my identity.

People here speak codes! And with my recent comeback fascination with computers, they're like people speaking different languages with different linguistics/grammatical structures and i can barely understand my own mode of speak.

And having learnt the idea that there are ways to define our reality than just a universal....overlaid with different cultures, different norms, different idiosyncrasies, different dress codes, different accents, exposures, experiences, financial background................. There is no single behavior to assimilate into your personality that makes you appeal to the universe.

The question i'm posing is more philosophical than societal.

Lucky, in the 21st century, we have the information age. We have data, we have answers!

YET...

..................

.................

................

...............

..............

.............

............

...........

..........

.........

........

.......

......

.....

....

...

I will scratch my head, i will die trying to find those answers.

Cindy Gallop: Make love, not porn (Adult content)

2010-12-24T02:33:00.000+08:00

Pursuit of Happiness - Narcissism

2010-12-23T15:30:00.004+08:00

I don't know where to begin... and though themes like these have been running through my mind everyday, hinted at in every post..... i'm taking time out of aimlessly seeking "empty" goals which i will continue in a while right after finishing this... feeling that it is absolutely necessary to type this post.

and from this point forth, it will branch off in different directions at the processing speed of my brain and not up to my self-willingness and self-censoring...

narcissism...from some, they point to Facebook that stem

s this current episode of obssession with the self...and wow, i'm not just pointing to camwhoring or updating your status and wall, broadcasting a msg about your current depression in bidding hope that someone out that spends a second glancing past it.... narcissism reeks everywhere, cos i'm guilty of it too...it reeks from this blog...like my rationalization to myself is that i'm doing this to get it out of my system, but really just an attempt for attention..

maybe FB is responsible, but really?? narcissism a source of positive energy?? to a point, it drives ppl to do more, be more ambitious, less satisfied....snapping pictures of their travels.... working harder than ever to build a body of adonis.....working so hard to score a high gpa...

Evan was telling me, the effort spend on achieving such feats AMONGST tough competition isn't that worth it....the amount of work you'll have to do to get from a B+ to an A- strongly surpasses the amount of work you have to do to just get a B+....

in hacker ethic, that is just repetitive...like doing 200 pushups a day for that body, for? a good body really begets confidence? oh really? more ego validation from ppl around you, yes...but not definitely more confidence... i'm not judging anybod

y...just trying to shake your mentality a little, help you reflect a little, maybe rationalize to myself a little... cos certainly, at the age of 21, i'm chasing these pursuits as well.... girls, salsa and maybe even working my body a little now and then....and being really insecure about my time management issues and my grades...

i'm not perfect.....chasing perfection, while some are seemingly able to handle multiple ccas, a business, a girlfriend, a inhuman gpas...under what kind of "bloodlust" enchantment are they under?

and then theres creativity....being natural and being effortless....Facebook, being a byproduct of mark zuckerberg's obsession with network systems and social life...a mere extent of their creativity... it wasn't money that was the impetus behind facebook but just a sideproject...

then again theres practice....according to gladwell, to churn out a guitar solo only hendrix is capable of in that moment of brilliance is a matter of long hours of harnessing ability and a string of seemingly unrelated circumstances....

and surprisingly enough...counter-culture, zen, existentialism, idealism...etc....writing and blogging (7-8 yrs? now?)i never took pride in doing this.....and now salsa and perhaps pick-up leading to a greater awareness and self-discovery....conversations too?..i was ashamed that i turned to writing, such huge word-counts that nobody reads...

only to realise.....something similar to graffiti artists, hackers, rock musicians, dancers, athletes, pornstars, actors...having to output all this heavy activity running in the forebrain...to paint a picture, to wander and uncover the depths and mysteries of computer signals, to materialise a melody, to express movement through the body, to uncover hidden potentials, the next wildest sexual performance, to embody the soul of their characters.....to cast these aside is to remain paralysed, a vegetable......acknowledging the heavy activity in the brain to a DoS attack... and like dogs, simply having the urge to chase cars and marking territory with pee...because it matters to them?...a meaning towards their existence..

not an alchemical emblem

#5 SALSA THE MOVIE - FANIA ALL STARS (LIVE AT THE YANKEE STADIUM)

2010-12-17T21:39:00.001+08:00

Cha cha cha SANTANA!

like every guitarist in the 70s opens his mouth while playing....from santana to jimi hendrix..

santana in the 21st century doesn't open his mouth..because he has funny teeth as you can see in this vid

Falling - Florence + the Machine

2010-12-09T02:11:00.000+08:00

STYLE without SUBSTANCE

2010-12-09T01:39:00.002+08:00

its time to head out tomorrow....and enough of stalling around wasting my time and mojo

having the feeling of an "accomplished motivated individual" has dissipated in me....

I'M SO LAZY!!!

from now on, its work work work work work...no more reveling in that emotional limbo that takes over too often.

whether to keep myself occupied or for validation...to flick all those switches is better than nothing.

I'm an atheist, but....

2010-12-04T01:17:00.002+08:00

i think i've got not much choice but to say it here...hmm...and its not that anyone could understand...

i live my life today thinking that any outcome is entirely dependent on my personal choices...

but challenging societal limitations is one thing, putting your life in the hands of another when you have absolutely no choice is another....

moments before i realised how disappointing i was, how i did not DARE to even take a step forward... when everything else up to that point had turned out EXACTLY the way i had always hoped moments before i fall asleep or on the way to school......at least for the entire duration of the exam period, and maybe sometime before...

SERENDIPITY

i am possibly one of the minority that never expect for things to fall into place nicely...simply because most of the time it doesn't...and you risk disappointment and sleepless nights just hoping and waiting instead of acting on it...

but when it DOES happen..."is this for REAL??"....you doubt that it could ever happen to you...and here comes a cycle of self-defeating mentality to stop success from ever happening...

STILL, everything is within your control...psychological battles can be conquered...

Logistics?......sigh....not so much...logistics in the world of pick-up is the fog-of-war in battles... this must be the worst logistical outcome EVER..

she makes everything sound so easy...like nothing bad could possibly happen....but listening to the stories from my friend about everything that could go wrong...

this could only serve as a reminder to everyone in future, always take your chances and face failure than to give up..

all the best.... :(

Lost in exam transaction...

2010-11-28T11:53:00.003+08:00

Noel Gallagher then had this to say about the song's lyrical content on the band's official website:

"Some of the lyrics were written when I was out of it. There's the words: 'Someday you will find me/ Caught beneath a landslide/ ln a Champagne Supernova in the sky'. That's probably as psychedelic as I'll ever get. It means different things when I'm in different moods. When I'm in a bad mood being caught beneath a landslide is like being suffocated. The song is a bit of an epic. It's about when you're young and you see people in groups and you think about what they did for you and they did nothing. As a kid, you always believed the Sex Pistols were going to conquer the world and kill everybody in the process. Bands like The Clash just petered out. Punk rock was supposed to be the revolution but what did it do? Fuck all. The Manchester thing was going to be the greatest movement on earth but it was fuck all. When we started we decided we weren't going to do anything for anybody, we just thought we'd leave a bunch of great songs. But some of the words are about nothing. One is about Bracket The Butler who used to be on Camberwick Green, or Chipley or Trumpton or something. He used to take about 20 minutes to go down the hall. And then I couldn't think of anything that rhymed with 'hall' apart from 'cannonball'. so I wrote 'Slowly walking down the hall/ Faster than a cannonball' and people were like, 'Wow, fuck , man'. There's also the line 'Where were you while we were getting high?' because that's what we always say to each other. But the number of people who've started clubs called Champagne Supernova is fucking unbelievable. And the album isn't even released yet."

Cedalion standing on the shoulders of Orion from Blind Orion Searching for the Rising Sun by Nicolas Poussin, 1658, Oil on canvas; 46 7/8 x 72 in. (119.1 x 182.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art
"Standing on the Shoulders of Giants"

Yeah Yeah by Bodyrox [D. Ramirez Remix]

2010-11-27T00:24:00.000+08:00

talk the TALK, walk the WALK

2010-11-22T20:03:00.002+08:00

Dirty Hands - The Art and Crimes of David Choe (Trailer) - Showing in LA...

2010-11-21T12:43:00.000+08:00

I NEED AN ADVENTURE

Think Different

2010-11-12T15:09:00.000+08:00

You Can Live Free

2010-11-12T13:23:00.008+08:00

pardon the corny title....most of my posts surrounds self-improvement or self-reflection anyway...being caught up with finer irrelevances in life....lacked the momentum to do so..let me dive right in with a quote and then i'll tell you what i've learnt so far...k

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes.The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?
...While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

- Apple

and in addition to this, the Pareto principle which states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects comes from 20% of the causes.

And this, is regarded by some people to be a natural occurrence. 80% of the wealth is shared by 20% of the population. Even within the top 10 richest men, according to wikipedia, Warren Buffett, mexican business guy and bill gates own more money than the proceeding 7. 80% sales comes from 20% of clients. And 20% from this 100% of clients, whether they contribute to your 80% of sales or not, would also cause 80% of trouble and wasting 80% of your time and effort. 20% of your employees does 80% of the work. And 80% of the employees cost the company the most time & money. 20% of pea pods contain 80% of the peas in the garden. 80% of errors and crashes are removed when 20% of the bugs are fixed as recorded by Microsoft. 80% of products produce in the factory line may be inferior in quality, where 20% pass quality control.

It is saddening to know that 80% of the world remains in poverty and live without a proper shelter over their heads. Only 20% of local students of every age demographic make it to singapore universities. Apparently, out of 10 soldiers in my 2MT bionix vehicle. 8 of them are men, 2 of them, 1 section commander and 1 vehicle commander. Guess what? i'm a commander only because i came from a JC which accounts for 20% of the o level grads.

The 8 men had lower educational qualifications such as ITE or school drop outs. But within some of them, are also some of the most(perhaps 20% of ppl i know) socially charismatic and determined individuals i've ever met...

The POINT i'm trying to make is....even within SMU, there is NO POINT trying to compete for that 20% spots of academically successful when the other 80% of your life is neglected and suffers.

Only 20% of the people are truly happy and able t

o manage their lives. No matter how much of your perceived judgement, or reality, or people around you...(perhaps only 20% of that judgement is accurate)...the same 20% also faces 80% of their challenges, and it isn't because life runs smoothly for them either.

Undercut the bigger better deal, the rich, the smart,......like Mark Zuckerberg or Bill Gates(its easy to imagine how he would match up to the professors that you would fall asleep listening to. Certainly that nasal monotonous voice would not get him anywhere with girls..) are socially awkward.....compete by acknowledging their gifted areas.

Only 20% of the girls you meet will be attracted to you, while 20%

of these will fuck you. Only 20% of all the ppl you consider friends are really your friends. Just open your eyes 20% of who you are, is really fun, exciting and spontaneous while 80% of that remains buried deep in mediocrity.

Only 20% of the people you run into in life, acknowledge who you really are....and in your eyes, they truly "sparkle".......like edward cullen in Twilight...

Do cherish them before they flutter away.

THAT WAS PATHETIC

2010-10-19T01:24:00.003+08:00

i do not have the time..for any self-deprecation..so straight to the pt..

3 punishments to be executed as a fight against my ego...Ego, i will trample all over you...you and your neediness, insecurities, and denial...

- slap love-interest

- hug love-interest

- ok whatever...pull her hair.

it was just 3 things of the top of my mind...

Don't let your neediness and hesitation get in the way of your craft. This package that i embody was meant for tribulation, that 'I' sits detached of this package....

I WAS A FUCKING LOSER

Long Overdue

2010-10-05T02:27:00.002+08:00

i tried my best, but i couldn't sleep....rather than fight it, some magazines would advise...stop forcing sleep and do something worthwhile a little bit until i start feeling tired...

since the last milestone........back at the start of july i guess....in contrast, everything so far has been mundane...not exactly mundane, the slight tease that i receive every other day...and not that i haven't had moments created where i was forced to think on my feet...

still i was sharing with my buddies like 2 weeks ago, i've got so much to be happy about....i'm just bored that i'm no longer doing "bad" things...not much thrill....not thinking of chasing short-term gains...rather i'm fearing for my long-term school performance..sigh...WHAT A DRAG!

and while i really want to do well in school, my grades are not looking bright at the moment...i thought i could balance my life..but no, it has just relegated girls to..."hardly have the time to even think about it"....let alone try to make a move....

from the way i see it......ppl come and go....i would make it click, at the spur of the moment, within a matter of weeks...instead, i sit around and wait.....sometimes making half-hearted attempts.....putting ppl in a loose situation, not making ends meet.....all because of chasing schoolwork that never seem to end if you spend full attention to produce fine work.

to forsake all the amazing opportunities such as partying, getting a side job to earn some cash, travelling overseas, skydiving, more exploration for the sake of schoolwork?.....that just seem like the perfect singaporean thing to do....and i can't run away from it..FUCK

and the problem here...the problem with me.....time-management....i shouldn't be blaming schoolwork, cos i wasn't at optimal productivity either back then...i must have reached this conclusion a billion times in my life before...

time-management is the test of a real man...without it, makes one look like a loser no matter what pathetic skills one may have... what fear one has overcomed, or how much his balls have grown...

because coincidentally, like fear, a man has to face time!!!!!........ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kill me already!!!!!!!

hahahha.....some of you reading this would probably be laughing to fits...it would be like me looking at an obese friend and not being able to understand why he can't just eat less, eat healthy and spend some time doing some exercise everyweek... or like looking at how most pppl cannot just walk up to a stranger and just open their mouths....

the challenge like all past challenges is simple....just do it....make it a lifestyle...

Game Theory

2010-10-04T00:46:00.002+08:00

Game Theory - "an individual's success in making choices depends on the choices of others"

not engaging in the social arms race and undercutting the bigger better deal

2010-09-22T23:50:00.000+08:00

Tony said: Mr. Speaker, if I may just finish with two brief remarks—first to the House. I have never pretended to be a great House of Commons man, but I pay the House the greatest compliment I can by saying that, from first to last, I never stopped fearing it. The tingling apprehension that I felt at three minutes to 12 today I felt as much 10 years ago, and every bit as acute. It is in that fear that the respect is contained.

Smokin' Aces - Buddy Israel's Philosophy

2010-09-11T04:01:00.000+08:00

STOP PLAYING GAMES ALREADY....

2010-09-04T02:55:00.003+08:00

arghhghhhhhh.....i'm so mad....sometimes if a guy..... if I, WILL STOP PLAYING STUPID GAMES...and beat around the bush... if i was a girl, i would be mad at me too....

the way i see it, theres only one way with these things....only up and never down...if not you're just bringing ppls hopes up for nothing...and you end up being perceived as a jerk.

oh well...

stupid conversations... totally unnecesssary..

Capsule x Daft Punk x Beastie Boys - Starry Sky YEAH! Remix

2010-08-14T11:13:00.000+08:00

the best of ALL WORLDS!

The social arms race..................

2010-08-07T04:24:00.002+08:00

Somewhere underneath the beautiful face is an ugliness waiting to be uncovered...
joker was so right about the world....

no more empty promises this time...i need to break more barriers before i face the biggest challenge yet...no more holding back...no more being a singaporean... i gotta find something more ridiculously difficult before it starts to matter...

Every Singaporean Son (Episode 5: How Far?)

2010-08-06T08:53:00.001+08:00

i never imagine myself to be saying this, but the SAF probably has one of the best reality series..LOL

this was episode 5.... catch the rest here http://www.youtube.com/user/cyberpioneertv

this was where we left off for 2 years, all the fun and emotional trials...and it felt like it never even existed because ppl don't even talk about it now...and it'll never be enough to just breach the surface..

its like this time lapse between JC and uni that was so long and painful but felt like a dream....

where these 2 years of "experience" was uploaded only into the brain of males....that this part of it only exist in the male population.....and girls they'll never get to see it or imagine it or even had to think about it, being excluded from seomthing that was beyond their comprehension, and transit smoothly on with "normal" life.... while we face this long arduous detour..

like their friends, boyfriends "vanished" from the face of the planet..... underground, area 51 or something.. and nobody remembers..

In Bloom

2010-08-05T16:08:00.002+08:00

theres not much to look for for motivation in life....and with this long list of expectations of myself and the expectation of others... i just can't falter my life away....
i abashedly admit though, that i am one of the most laziest, unreliable, unpuntual person amongst most of the ppl i know of...(hahah..i did see worst though)...to the point that ppl sometimes perceive me as living in a world of my own...

fortunately, i have these puffy clouds by the horizon that i absolutely cannot not have...or back a few years ago, i would have never thought of subduing this blue whale..

got........to......CONQUER!....... starting.......NOW!

2010-07-24T02:35:00.002+08:00

soft skin
pretty eyes
nice legs
warm breasts
a woman's intuition
her nurturing nature
soft voice
the touch of her hand
beautiful hair
her want for a strong man
the way her body moves when dancing

Salsa Shines Jayson Molina

2010-07-23T03:07:00.000+08:00

probably one of the nicest most random video ever..

the smashing pumpkins - mayonaise (acoustic) - live

2010-07-21T15:02:00.000+08:00

Pushing the Envelop

2010-07-21T12:45:00.002+08:00

A little affirmation/mantra that i live by that drives my mind to do some ridiculous feats...(ridiculous in the context of conventional wisdom..)....is the highly uncontainable urge that spills over and envelops my mind until it becomes too great tat i have to seek and SEE the answer before my eyes... that need sometimes turns into a monster of desperation that tugs at my heart so hard it just becomes impossible to ignore..

it isn't just about quenching some intellectual puzzling bleh&@(*&# that stems from boredom.(well partly boredom.. and having too much time in my hands)....its also in an emotional, self-actualisation kind of way..

accepting 21 years of what the world and the general consensus perceives and allowing these social boundaries that never ever really existed but was propped up within the past few 100 years out of fear...the same fear that sheeps have...the mentality that the herd is always right, but almost always usually wrong..

Yes, I'm delusional. Somehow i feel like i'm amongst the league of Copernicus and Galileo....that the hardest part is not about accepting that Earth is not a flat disk but round, and that the sun is in the middle of the solar system. But convincing the rest of the world that the centuries of conventional wisdom in its entirety not merely plain pathetic but criminally wrong.

Quoting Will Smith..... "Being realistic is the most commonly travelled road to mediocrity"....that entering a room and flipping a switch so that the lights come on is UNREALISTIC.....that folding piles of metal into a cylinder that people sit in to be flown across the oceans is UNREALISTIC.....

My hope is that while the few of us do eventually excavate the liberties from the ignorance....hopefully the rest of mankind will slowly follow suit and grow to accept what a better world this could be..........................................or NOT......then it'll just be a better world for myself..*rubbing palms*.....all you ppl stuck in your little crevices....i'll just turn lead into gold in my very own basement.. o.O

Also, a big thank you to everyone who has supported me on this ongoing journey so far...you know who you are... and really, part of the reason that keeps me going is not to disappoint all of you...feeling like its an inseperable resposibility that i have to bear to lead the group... The irony about your ego is, that it could be your greatest obstacle and also your greatest motivational force.
Well, a simple example would be this. You see the hottest prettiest girl standing before you...
A) Don't approach her, don't get rejected, your ego never gets broken....your ego protects you by thinking "Oh well, i'm still quite a cool guy....what hot girl???"
B) I gotta do this, if i don't, i'm a pussy and a loser. I'm cool and this girl will be mine, now i just have to prove it. Your ego will never allow you, most importantly YOU to view yourself as a pussy or a loser or both.

And if you geeks out there need to know about the scientific explanation for this....
Dopamine. Dopamine is the chemical compound that triggers/maintains your learning and motivational systems. It provides an emotional feedback either positively or negatively with every action that you do. It rewards you with a positive emotion when you try something out for the first time and it delivers smoothly with no hiccups, you are motivated to do it again next time. The more you do it each time, positive emotions get triggered...the more it becomes a part of you. The inverse is also true, like cracking a lame joke and nobody laughs. You stop doing it. And thats how you learn, thru right or wrong.

Then again, all that above is within the sub-conscious...blah blah..our conscious mind has to be above all that and accept failure..blah blah...not repeating the same mistakes does not mean quitting entirely.
Don't give up. We, our egos seldom realise the quantum leaps that we make during the learning process until we discover a breakthrough(sort of like an orgasm...). What i mean is that, even though you've made vast improvements, your ego remains yet-to-be validated....until you actually reap the rewards.
Its like, when you invest $2000 in a stock, even though you see it grow in value each day, you never really feel like the money is yours, like you just threw some money away... until you finally sell it 5 years later, and you have $4000... you get to finally abuse it.

I shall end here, yet another long rambling post packed with all the juicy fruity goodness!
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"I just found out theres no such thing as the real world, just a lie you've got to rise above." - John Mayer

Iker Casillas kisses Sara Carbonero ( Subtitles ) - Iker Casillas besa ...

2010-07-13T00:44:00.000+08:00

Missing Piece...

2010-07-12T23:54:00.006+08:00

i bump into an old friend earlier..and soon we got on the topic about relationships/fucking around..

it brought me back to the question that was haunting a few weeks prior to recent events...until i lost myself in the after-high recently....but now it came back..

a big part of it is still "honesty" and how much you can come to grips with your own faults and exposing it to the ppl around you..esp to the ones who needs to accept you.
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Then again, it is true that the above is a decision finally everyone has to and must make...

there are ppl who have crossed that mark and ppl who have not...and for me, do i need to do this now????
almost everyone that i've spoke to has pressured me to go this way...perhaps they are all right..
but i have no rational answer to this other then i just want to linger in the "transit terminal"....i just don't want to.

others have even said "This will make you happy, and you know it...why don't you want it?" it almost bear huge resemblance to the topic of God.. yes it would be better to have God, but i just don't want to submit my life to God...

for some reason i'm afraid...for some reason, ppl would sacrifice themselves to go to heaven and reach the final goal, while i'm still holding on to my worthless human flesh-suit...

settle?....nah..that day will come, but one does not go searching for it....

somehow, some part of me still crave the challenge...settling would make me happy i guess..but for me to even call it "settling down" is a misconception...and so i'm rambling and going in circles

i'm still bored, and i still don't know what i want, and i just want to fuck around...(again, as long as i am honest..)
such is the depth of my denial....knowing the truth, but not wanting to change. which is reality?

with women and relationships, investments, health.. there is no finish line... there is no settling down...you still have to keep working to make marriage and a long term relationship work..exciting, passionate...etc

no amount of sex, money, children..and something as elusive a "love"....can ever make us happy...yet that doesn't stop our instinctive natures from chasing after these...its a conspiracy of the universe....live like a monk.

Even when we know the truth, it still doesn't stop me from pursuing love. And the whole of mankind suffer from a great cognitive dissonance altogether..
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"It was not only that I could not become spiteful, I did not know how to become anything; neither spiteful nor kind, neither a rascal nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an insect. Now, I am living out my life in my corner, taunting myself with the spiteful and useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot become anything seriously, and it is only the fool who becomes anything." - Fyodor Dostoevsky

Mental Blank

2010-07-11T01:28:00.002+08:00

i have nothing much to say other than this everlasting urge to write to keep this blog alive.

Perhaps within the past two weeks i've already rose to my highest peak, never before proven possible(besides claims and stories of others across the internet/books.....or have concrete evidence of seeing it happen until i accomplished it and found the answers for myself...

a feat like travelling alone to macau just pales in contrast to this....which is not as scary as ppl think..

when you think it is about proving to the world that they're wrong, its not that important really...validating your ego... as compared to realising that all that faith and hardwork of battles between you and your mind and emotions had paid off, and it wasn't to waste.
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people come and go....and having strong beliefs in self-liberation and "free love"....i have contradicted myself all this while by offering ppl merely a glimpse of me, yet remaining sedate and letting them walk away...

Now, surely i can't have all of them...but its time i woke up from this stupor and GRAB

only the wimps never push it beyond the limits..no point casting it wide if i don't plunge deep.

all you lucky viewers, be prepared for something exciting...

Humanity...

2010-06-20T15:12:00.007+08:00

no words to express the emotions that went thru my mind when i was watching these....

my jaw just fell wide open the whole time....

i wasn't even expecting to lose myself while watching Thích Quảng Đức (burning monk)
but halfway thru, immediately after the flames enveloped him....my jawbone, and my cheeks just started spasming violently....i was gasping for air, i thought i was laughing...until tears flooded my eyes immensely.....

me and buddies were just discussing how much sheer "mindpower" it is to carry out such a feat.... he probably died in a state of inner-peace while meditating....

"As he burned he never moved a muscle, never uttered a sound, his outward composure in sharp contrast to the wailing people around him.[" - David Halberstam

Child crawling towards an United Nations food camp, a kilometer away....the vulture is just waiting for it to die, before it feeds on the soon-to-be corspe....the photographer who took the picture left her dying....in an interview, "he(photographer kevin carter) sat under a tree for a long time, "smoking cigarettes and crying".

"It was while covering the Vietnam War for the Associated Press that he took his best-known photograph – the picture of police chief General Nguyễn Ngọc Loan executing a Vietcong prisoner, Nguyễn Văn Lém, on a Saigon street, on February 1, 1968, during the opening stages of the Tet Offensive" - wikipedia

Past, Present and Future Failures unrevealed...

2010-06-19T12:49:00.002+08:00

I thought i should be more discreet and leave the characters out of my topsy turvy bullshit...

Wow, i never imagined my life had some of the best content to make up some of the worst dramas...LOL

You'll would prolly never ever get to see it happen to anyone, cos its so atypical and unusual.....and you'll never ever get to see it on tv, cos its so unrealistic and uncanny....

Like of all the random and uncontrolled interactions/reactions that take place within the expanse of space & time and the ever-expanding volume of the universe, fate throws everything at you, i saw my life flashed before me....my past, present and future within a span of minutes, last night...

English Summer Rain

2010-06-18T08:57:00.002+08:00

A few months ago, one of those days when me & a close confidante of mine, Evan did some catching up.... We haven't met for about 3 months, and I told him excitedly how much emotionally or mentally stronger I've becomed.

I was telling him about the state management tactics that i've been using to constantly relieve myself of negative emotions of sadness, neediness, jealousy, rejection or even rivalrous or amogging intentions.

Basically, the idea is quite similar to doing something you enjoy, while you're emotional, as much as possible..to trick your mind into believing that you're happy. (however this may not be a possible avenue for e.g, things like surfing, dancing, singing, watching tv while you're at work...)

It is proven that(or by how much you believe that it'll work), by standing up straight, walking with good posture, holding a big smile across your face, jumping up and down, forced laughter, while you're feeling emotionally down........ Using your physical body feedback and actions to trigger positive emotions in your brain.

I relied on it a lot. And for awhile i thought this was probably the most efficient, instant-fix way to deal with the problem. Evan disagrees. Despite that it works in the short-term, you're still not coming to terms with the source of your neediness in the long run. Sometimes absorbing and taking all that sadness in instead of "avoiding" it. It would then ultimately result in you being emotionally free.

It then came to me this morning after I was already over the worst part of the pain that being emotionally strong meant allowing all of the darkness to envelop you and not deny the fact that you're feeling sad.....but know that you're strong enough to be above all of it.

Sure, pumping state is still good for when you require that good boost and to overcome the "activation level" to break thru that threshold before you fully let yourself go...
However now, its more like using positive affirmations, that you have a lot to be happy for despite having a setback at that moment.

Only then will sadness and neediness taste bittersweet... :)

Chuck Bass Quotes

2010-06-14T00:24:00.000+08:00

Sloooooooooooow, Smoooooooooooooth and Steaaaaaaaaa-dy

Heart-shaped box

2010-06-12T01:04:00.003+08:00

I'm a heart-shaped box...pretty on the outside, empty on the inside..

its my inability to love, and the lack of courage to embrace this emotional complexity..

i don't know what just might happen after this weekend, but chances are, the upcoming experiences over the next few weeks will change my inherent outlook...

prepare to see a different me, or that i'll disappear...but know that i'm working hard and focused on the future and the unknown..

see chapter I here... http://ziqbarzak.blogspot.com/2009/06/mission-accomplished-xd.html

if i looked back at this one year, and thought about how much i grew/deteriorated as a person....in my perception, it still probably was slower than i would have imagined it to be....but in reality, its pretty satisfactory, and tremendous compared to most...

CHAPTER II: Diving Deep
I've taken many "risks" over the year in order to squeeze some lessons out of them...and the way i perceive these "risks" today....is that they arent risks at all....simply, the bark is worse than its bite....they're just scary....and thats all...with no actual loss/consequences after being rejected so many times...

while some would say this is a numbers game....i never really saw it in such a way...i've put a lot of emotional investment to each of them...and without effort, the numbers did grew as a result of the momentum acquired...

what i really want to work on in the next month or 2....would be to venture further, give more of myself...even if it means losing in some way....the lessons learnt and experiences gained, way outweighs the losses....and to deal with this higher order emotions involved in an advanced level game.

it definitely wont be easy....throwing myself into emotional distress and hoping to walk out of it alive... i've already took a beating this year, merely teasing compared to what i'm bracing myself for...i may even come out mad after this. oh well...

shall go to sleep now....DAY 1 starts.....................................-------> TOMORROW

Awesome Train Graffiti

2010-06-08T14:10:00.001+08:00

Lol.....this isn't the vid of the MRT graffiti in Singapore..but HELL YEAH!...lol

this is against the law, but is it hurting anybody? does only the goverment have the right to dictate what goes where in public space? this space belongs to everybody...anyone can define and manipulate the objects and landscapes around us...

freedom of expression, adrenaline-junkie of sorts...
ummm...if you still don't get where i'm coming from...the genres along with their defining films...

Fight Club, Point Break, Yamakasi......Flashmobs, cacophony society,parkour, skateboarding, extreme sports, korean guy tectonik(search youtube), punk, graffiti....oh..even "Balls of Steel" show..etc

Joker: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and [sing-song tone] I turned it on itself! [Harvey stops struggling, The Joker looking down at him] Look at what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hm? You know–you know what I noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan"… even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I told the press that, like, a gang-banger will get shot, or a truck load of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all part of the plan. But when I say that one little old mayor will die… well, then everyone loses their minds! [lets go of Harvey's hands and pulls out a gun, the handle facing Harvey] Introduce a little anarchy. [puts the gun into Harvey's hand, cocking the gun] Upset the established order, then everything becomes…chaos. [guides the gun to his own forehead, smacking his lips] I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair.
[Harvey thinks for a minute, and shows Joker the unscarred side of his coin]

Macau Fervour

2010-06-07T14:08:00.002+08:00

Just thought i'll give a brief update all the way from Macau....with the last remaining 20 mins of my access in this cybercafe.

Things didn't turned out as expected....everything was great, just that my health wasn't. Chugging down pills every few hours and having to visit the loo every so often...

The greatest disappointment of all was that i couldn't try out all of the wide variety of great dishes here....my really bad stomach and slight fever. Can't wait to get back and finally get a much needed rest and recover from all of this bullshit... have much waiting for me this coming week and it would be a tight slap on the face if i don't get to realise what was planned.

I enjoyed my time here...the vast differences in culture are all trashed into one small tiny city. The old, the new, eastern and western barely seperates itself as they are all intertwined at every turn of the head..

I barely took the taxi...as every attraction was within walking distances....in less than 3 days..i have the central, south-eastern, southern and western parts of the macau peninsula clearly mapped out in my head... I was covering all this distance while harbouring an ill diesease...
i would have checked out more places if i haven't spent a significant bulk of time on the bed such as the beaches...

The glitz and glamour of the casinos and grand hotels did felt magnificent initially...after taking a walk thru it for the 2nd time on the 2nd night, the appeal did start to wear off... Perhaps there was too much and too many of these damn glitzy casinos, i was in distraught....there was just this huge massive landspace with too much lights and supposedly-entertaining "entertainment" that opens 24/7....and everyone working and patronising these places seemed soulless like in a zombie town...half the time when i was approaching the metal detector frames...with guards standing outside...sign displaying that people under the age of 18 could not enter....lol... did i even look 20??? instead of stopping me to check for identification...the would usher and welcome me in...

This plague of the undead is apparent in most casino, resort, hotel places.... like in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Chicago, Lordaeron..etc...

If you've played GTA: Vice City, Vampire Masquerade: Bloodlines, Macau resembles it a lot lol......there are indeed police men patrolling the streets 24/7.... a lot of police men at every road junction....it so funny, cos its like all these computer games that i've played..where there are so many policemen around and you're suppose to commit crimes without being seen...which i thought was unrealistic as i've always only been in Singapore.

This trip has taught me loads like every other experience has...given me plenty of opportunities to soul-search and contemplate the sensitive side of me (pathetic that this seems like the only side of me...-_-").....an emptiness which seems impossible to fill, (despite all my efforts in validating it with external stimuli)...but only a rare few have the answers... This has allowed me to rethink, redirect and refocus my mental energies in future to something more satisfying ...

Will be flying back to Singapore later, flight's at 245 am....and out of this deep emotional lethargy... i miss you guys..

Z